. b la c k . d i a r y .

8th june 2009
it's about 3p.m. when i was lying happily on my bed, counting seconds to have another nap of the day. a woman called me for an interview session. it was an ID firm in ipoh road. yes! i am so excited preparing myself. hoping that i'll hit this job. it was looooong ago since my last time attending an interview session. i was quite blur. babe helped me much, tq my friend :)

9th june 2009
i met her at about 10a.m in the office meeting room. to believe or not, i know this office since i was small. everytime i took bus homed from kl, i'll for sure pass the building. it was short, and silent session. i didn't say much. i didn't sell myself so good. but am expecting a good future. she promised to call on the next day.

11th june 2009
she finally called me, early at 11a.m. i smiled. i got a job! report to my office tomorrow, at 9a.m. we'll discuss further on salary and working hours. am expecting u tomorrow cause am leaving to singapore till monday. great.

12th june 2009
my first working day at a new place. smiled to everyone. a gal, so young i guess, showed me my place. gotch what a mess??? she must not have an assistant for long... a stack of files at my back, unfiled documents all over the place, untidy table... OMG! i need to clean up this place. the Lady Boss came in. she called me, and the new colleague to her room. gotch! her room was worst! is she a human or what? how could she managed to stay and work in this kind of mess??? she might be on rushed. all her orders were given in loud. she speaks great english. query on her marital status, she's using MISS not Mrs or Madam. hurms.... her principles: Qaulity, Quantity, Cost, Time. i always remember that. always do.

15th june 2009
hip hop day. my Lady Boss was in Singapore. but i need to go to the KWSP office to settle the payments. it was so hot. god bless the despatch! they struggled to deliver their best in all weathers. big clap!

16th june 2009
orientation week. she loves to yell at people. her high tonation of voice put me in deep silent. she's the one whom asked, and again she's the one whom giving the best answers. mine, were all lies and silly thoughts and rubbish. out of 8 working hours, i only had 1.5 to work at my own place. rest of the day, standing infront of the Lady Boss (LB).

17th june 2009
i started to stress out. all doings was never right. all my words had never been accepted. i read her mind well, YELLING! i answered nothing, LOUDER. being polite on the phone, i was almost got eaten by LB. don't waste your time answering silly calls. pyramid of priority in work : from the most top : LAW >> GOVERNMENT >> CLIENTS >> STAFFS >> OTHERS. people to ignore, them who claimed money from us. people to pay attention to : people who give us $$$.

she stressed out again, and again. no politeness in my office. they bother u, show them rudeness. that's what i concluded from her training. gila ke dia ni???

18th june 2009
she's a PHYSCO ! i can became crazier working with her. she shouted 90% of her words. she yelled to other person like we're rubbish to her. she double standard herself, a great international woman. admitted her attitudes in work, i salute her for always knowing what she wanted.

but i never could stand her madness. craziness. i started to fed up. cried in my sleep. woke up in fear of thinking what will be wrong today. eventhough i've studied all night long. i brought home my works. i slept late at night. but the fear kills my confidence.

19th june 2009
i didn't know what went wrong that day. she scolded me all day long. my legs started to cramp. eventho i just wore flat slipper bought after the broken heels. i went home in frustrating. i cried. my head started spinning how to fight on my own right. i started to hate her.

the weekends, i consulted Mama & Ayah. they supported me. they motivated me. but it wasn't really help. i just listened and took note. to apply, kinda difficult for me. such an impossible.

the sunday, i had to attend a meeting with staffs at LB's boutique in Lot10. i work on sunday for free?? shit! i know i hate this. i know... this won't stay longer. i knew there'll a dark future between me and this crazy LB.

22nd june 2009
monday fever never appear in me while working with this LB. the morning went so good. she almost changed my decision to 50-50. again, a crazy woman will always remain her craziness with madness and loudness. after lunch, she was chased by bankers. and she got mad. started to yell here and there, this and that.

aku tatau hantu apa yang dah rasuk aku. tapi sebab terlampau geram dan sakit hati, air mata aku berjuraian keluar lepas LB marah tak semena-mena. aku pekik balik kat dia. dia pekik, aku pekiklagi. dia macam nak pelempang aku, aku back off sambil signal... do not try that on me or u'll regret it. apa punya bos, boleh dia kata... u don't need to get familiar with anything... u just have to do what i want u to do. bloody hell! fail mana pun aku tak ingat lagi... dengan nak ikut style kerja ko lagi... dengan asyik nak kena tadah telinga sepanjang hari dalam bilek kau... dan ko kata aku tak payah nak get familiar utk buat keje2 kau tu??? kepala bu*o anda!!!!

all the architects were gathered next door. other officers, minggling around. i knew, everyone must have heard the quarrel. wow... i trapped my own self. fighting my own pay LB. bullshitting! end of the day, she asked me to work or not... my answer was YES. why it was YES, my tongue said so. did my heart feel so? did my brain think so? NO! NOT AT ALL.

23rd june 2009
i reached office earlier. drafting my resignation letter. printed it out, signed. changed some dates and put on LB's desk. she came in. calling me. her first response...

are you giving up young lady? YES. are you? i am not. YES, i can;t stand to work for you anymore.

aku tatau apa gila aku jawab macam tu. tapi pagi tu bukan satu pagi yang baik. aku ingatkan aku resign baik-baik, dia terima laa elok-elok. rupanya dia lagi bakar aku.

for what reason are you giving up? i lost my respect to my own boss, i lost my respect in you. hey, i don;t need your respect. i never respect anyone in this world. shit!

i hated when you keep on shouting at me all day long. i have no time to prove my ability to you. i do? YES, almost all the time. oh, that's my style. i love military style. people shouting at other people, giving orders.... i hate military style. but that's my style and you ahve to... i have people shouting at me. you can order me in god ways. but military style, survive! i don't. otherwise, i better serve the military.

kepala hotak betulla pompuan ni. bila aku sticked to my decision, dia hangin.

at 11a.m. i was called to handover all my duties and responsibilities. she marked there on my letter... date to confirm? she asked me to play role as CLERK with an EXECUTIVE pay till my last day. lunch to after, i had to berpanas, berpeluh ketiak settling her outstanding debts with EPF again, her BMW car loan... (tunggu masa kena tarik je kalau lambat), the utilities.... i reached office back about 3+. i cleaned up my desk. i cleared all my pending duties. i spoke to everyone whom i needed answers from them. the meeting i supposed to attend, LB attended herself. good for you. i replied her letter... CONFIRMATION OF RESIGNATION >>> IMMEDIATELY that day. i clocked out at 5p.m. with all my stuffs.

and from that moment, i am officially has nothing to do with that crazy LB. except for... am still counting days to claim for my salary.

don't play-play with me yeah old lady. i know ur what's company status is. you don't pay me... i go to LAW. u hate to deal with law? u better pay me a.s.a.p. otherwise, u'll regret it forever.

.The UNPREDICTABLE Life.

I never expected this will be a reality. This... my current life. I am now an UNEMPLOYED person. No job. No pay. No stress. No money. No work. No working commitment. No time limit. No this. No that. So many NOs. but somehow, too many things happened in a month. Let's me share my STORIES.

1st week of June 2009
I enjoyed my days lepaking at home. Pretending liked was still working. Terpaksa kerana menjaga hati parents ku. Mid of week, I went to Cherating as backpacker with Ajeng. Only two of us. The journey was great. I'll share in my next entry. The weekend went as usual. Am started to find new job through internet and newspapers.

2nd week of June 2009
I was called for an interview. Was so excited that I'd spent whole night to get myself well prepared. It was an ID firm in Ipoh Road, close by PWTC. I have the strong feeling that I'll hit the vacancy. And there I was... I was called to report duty on the Friday, 12th. To vacant the position of Personal Assistant to Company Director. Wow! 1st interview, and I got it! Babe credited me as so lucky :) And proudly, I told Mama & Ayah about this. End of weekend, I skipped class for attending Biante's wedding in Perak. Luckily I'd done the shopping before I started to work. Was wearing cream kebaya with brownish batik. Felt sooooo slim now comparatively to my days in Kajang, while working with Bie & the team.

3rd week of June 2009
I woke up before 6a.m. We, me, Babe & the sister in-law, left house almost 7. The journey to office was longer. I reached there early, had my breakfast ALONE. Then I started to work. My second day, the Boss wasn't around. but I needed to go to EPF office to make the payment. Gotch! Feel liked crying of hot! The next day then, my BLACK DIARY started. I'll go details in the next entry, again. The week went so damn slow. Felt like dying in hell! Damn it.The weekend, Babe spent a night at my hometown. The Sunday, I was called to supervise some staffs' works in lot 10. God bless me... I WORKED ON SUNDAY man!!!

4th week of June 2009
I can't stand it anymore. She trained me well. I SHOUTED back at her. Yelling liked she loves to do. She got mad. I was so damn frustrated. I hate myself when I started to yell at my Boss. That wasn't a good sign. Before clocked out, she said a phrase, Do you want to work? My answer was YES that evening. I went home, keeping my head puzzled with all the evening events. Her says, my shouts... Oh I knew this isn't a good sign. I'll stay as longer as I could, as promised to parents. The next day came in frame. I was so early. I made up my mind, printing out a letter of resignation. Let's give the date to end of this week. Know what happen??? U'll never believe what I've been through! NEVER! And rest of the month... I am UNEMPLOYED again. My lucky star didn't really shine.

Early week of July 2009
I've to settle debts with MARA. They're giving out warning letters to all their debtors. Where to find RM4K in a week?? Bloody hell! Worst decision ever, 'someone' told me to keep silent and let myself being BLACKLISTED. WTF! Nonsense! I obejected. I found a way, it might kill me, but that's the only survival way. Credit to my ex Boss whom allowed me to use the company facilities. Now I know how kind hearted you are, Boss.

And here I am, playing with the PC and internet to fullfill my time. Am drafting a home based job for myself. Hopefully it'll work.






Till this moment, I realized how much I love people surrounded me. Thank u everyone. To Sayang... you're the best BF I've ever had in my life.





'THE UNEMPLOYED LADY'

f r e e d o m ? o r w h a t ?

finally the time has came. i am officially unemployed starting from the day of 29th may 2009 onwards until....? until i am recruited by another organization and started a new working life AGAIN. the last friday, i was informed to compulsory present at the office. and it was my farewell party. we were out for lunch at The Ship Bukit Bintang. all the girls were of course, dressing up especially me, the main character and my best 'girl' assistant ever, Eta. we went by 3 cars, me of course by the brand new vios driven by Steve. 4 of us, me & Eta, Steve & Nick. We had a great lunch that day. I was served a special, most expensive meal; Neptune Taurus xxx (don't remember the long name) It was sizzling beef steak served with tiger prawns and chips. Nyummmi~~~~~~~~ I tought of escaping the rest hours by hanging out in BB. Unfortunately, there were some pending works in the office. I taught Cherri few little things and finishing my last hours in ofice by lepaking in 'manager's room' with other 'senior' mates.
It's almost 6.30 in the evening. And my hours will be ended here, so much soon. Penny presented my a special gift from Body Shop. Thank you so much ma'am. You're such a great-great lady boss I've ever had. She wanted me to promise her that I'll return in 3 months time after her delivery day. I just laughed. It wasn't a guaranteed promises... it ws just purposesly meant to convince both sides. Me and her. After a big hug with Penny, followed by 'gonna miss u' hugs with the boys - exclude the gg satu please!!! It was quite 'sad' but I believe, this is the freedom I've been wanted since long months ago...

I am now unemployed. Being free with only 'a little money' in hand to survive. I've planned to go to Cherating with Ajeng. Most probably, we will be there in Thursday since already bought the tickets. But today, am with Mama.... Since Ayah is going out-station till tonite. It's very hard for me to hide the real facts. So far, I've done great caused I managed to escape all the queries with no doubts! So far......... Kak Muzam and Nana were just kept silent, nothing to complaint & nothing to comment. Thank you to both of them... also to Awez, Asala & Ampa whom keep this from the parents' knowledge.

Ayah called. Tok Minah in Kedah is sicker. She can;t even wake up to pray. Mama & Ayah been deciding to go back to Kedah tomorrow morning. I have to follow them... Maksu Pah is warded for her 2nd operation in HUKM next morning. So am the only 'grandchild in KL' whom kinda free to visit her. Before anything worst happen, I must visit her... MUST! I told Mama that I will be joining them with great, strong reasons... I have 2 'new assistants' in the office who can cover me. PERFECTLY agreed by Mama. Marilah berdoa yang aku takkan kantoi sampai aku bersedia memberitahu mereka hal sebenar. Lagipun aku memang bebetul free... then aku nak gi holiday. Kalaulah nak jadik cerita 'sesuatu' berlaku masa aku on holidays.... penyesalan kan ? Aku tak nak menyesal sampai jadik macam citer-citer dalam TV. Aku disayang Atok. So tak salah pun kalau aku keja skalipun, aku tetap jugak balik untuk tengok dia yang makin sakit kuat. Aku tak nak terasa kehilangan nenek terakhir dalam hidup aku dengan sebuah penyesalan yang tak berkesudahan... Dan NEKAD, I will be going to Kedah with Mama & Ayah. Either I have to come back to KL by bus, alone or how... that'll be in the next chapter after arriving there and looking at her conditions.

Okaylah.. Malaysia ni panas sangat. Am blogging on Ayah's PC with reasons, I've returned the ofice lappie due to safety reasons :p Till we meet again... that I believe will be looooooonnnngggg. I'll be sharing some pics on my farewell party on FB. Or maybe those 'censored' pics will be posted somewhere 'else'.

Freedom or free with boredom ?

Elo Elo 1 2 3 4

Lama dah tak singgah untuk berkongsi rasa. Bukan apa, masa tak begitu membenarkan aku mengisinya dengan menulis di blog. Yang mampu aku buat pun, surfing mencari kerja. Huahuahua. (Sekarang ni, aku kena banyak menulis dalam Bahasa Melayu... atas sebab-sebab tertentu) Hanya tinggal beberapa hari je lagi aku akan bekerja ngan company yang banyak memberi aku kemudahan dari segi financial ni. Boss pun dah tak banyak cakap dengan aku sesejak aku clarify status resignation aku dengan dia dan Penny. Ofismet pun dah terkejar-kejar nak belajar ngan aku. Tapi, ada sesuatu yang agak bermain-main dalam fikiran aku. 'Perjanjian tak rasmi aku dengan Penny yang disaksikan Eta'. Hurms.....

Tinggal 1,2,3 hari je lagi untuk aku mengabiskan masa menjadi staff UMS. Time ni, aku tau banyak kerja. Banyak yang dalam planning Boss or Director aku. Tapi nak buat macam mana... aku pilih untuk berundur. Dan aku berpegang jugak pada janji aku dengan Penny. Dan T&C nya tetap kekal begitu, selamanya sampai habis tempoh perjanjian. Aku berharap aku dapat kerja yang lebih baik, kalau tak gaji besar pun, atleast boleh menampung kehidupan aku dan mendapat KEBERKATAN pun dah cukup bagus.

For the time being, aku banyak planning to work from home. Lebih kepada kerja-kerja yang menggunakan kepakaran A&D aku... experiences aku dan kemampuan aku yang tak perlu aku carik-carik lagi. Sesuatu yang lebih mengikut masa aku daripada ditetapkan orang. Pucuk pangkalnya, aku pilih untuk bekerja sendiri. Satu risiko yang besarkan? Tanpa ada sokongan di belakang, dan dengan situasi menyorok daripada pengetahuan Mama & Ayah.... aku terpaksa berdikari. Ye ke aku takde sokongan? Ada... banyak dan ramai. Semua orang, ahli keluarga yang tau, kawan-kawan pun sokong aku. So, kenapa tidak?

Last week aku tulis blog dan berharap Sara, my lil good sister to console me. Thank lil sist. U really did a good job. Lepas tu, akak aku pulak ala-ala macam down sesangat. Hurms, perempuan dan masalah. Tapi masing-masing kami bergantung harap sesama sendiri. Thanks everyone :) Love you all~!

Okaylah. Boss dah balik opis. Aku nak berpura-pura buat kerja. Sekian terima kasih.

nak tulis sesuatu

aku nak menulis sesuatu. sesuatu yang tak terluah dari mulut. hanya bermain-main di hati. aku tak tau apa yang aku rasakan ni sebenarnya "apa". aku jadi tak pasati dengan keputusan aku. keputusan? keputusan untuk berhenti.. macam mana tak pasti pun, aku tekad, dan aku nekad. biarlah, biar aku ambil risiko ne sekarang, dan bukan esok lusa atau kemudian hari nanti. aku dah tak sanggup nak bermain dengan api lagi. memang satu masa dulu, aku kata aku sanggup. tapi bila masa makin hampir, makin dekat... aku jadi takut. aku dah penat nak layan sakit hati, kecewa, menangis. semua tu.. SUCK! aku harap ada orang yang boleh dengar, faham dan menangis dengan aku. aku harap "dia" ada dengan aku, setidak-tidaknya untuk dengar cerita aku. tapi dia... aku rasa dia makin jauh. tambah lagi dengan semua yang terjadi. nak menangis, dah tak ada air mata nak ditangiskan. nak meratap, dah takde hala aku nak beratapan. cinta aku? sayang aku? aku pun tatau perlu atau tidak aku teruskan semua perasaan tu pada dia. kadang-kadang aku rasa dia memain je dengan perasaan aku. kadang-kadang aku rasa dia cuma sayang aku demi kepentingan peribadi. kenapa jalan cerita cinta aku, mesti macam ni? kenapa? WHY WHY WHY?????

aku harap aku ada sara untuk bercerita, dan dia ada untuk tenangkan aku dengan ingatkan aku padaNYA. aku harap, aku boleh bercerita dengan mama. tapi aku tak ada kekuatan untuk itu. aku harap babe faham cerita aku... tapi apalah sangat yang boleh dia buat melainkan menjadi pendengar setia aku, menghiburkan aku, menasihati aku dan melayan perasaan aku hampir setiap malam. dia dah cukup baik untuk semua itu. hati aku mungkin merindu. tapi aku tak mampu nak luahkan. aku mungkin menunggu bicara sesuatu dari dia. tapi, aku tak mau dengar apa-apa pun dari dia. aku mintak dunia dengar kata-kata aku. tapi, siapalah aku untuk perdengarkan kepada dunia? aku yang cari sebab. aku yang cari masalah. pandai-pandailah aku selesaikan. masalah hati ni... memang berat kalau difikirkan. hish.














aku nak menangis.










aku nak menjerit.













aku nak lari dari dia. dari cinta dia. dari penderitaan "cinta" ini.








please help me.

" . "

i feel like ~!@#$%^&*()_+|+_)(*&^%$#@!~
i have alot to share. i have alot to write. i have alot in mind.
but i cannot say to share. i do not know what to write.
and all these things keep playing, and puzzling, and messing my head.

i hate to say that i love him. what more to say, i have hated him.
i hate to say i do not believe in him. because if people ask me, than i do.
but i would prefer to say...
i am finding a FULLSTOP in this relationship.

i hate to say i do not bother not having a job.
because all i have been thinking about is finding a job.
i hate to say that i need money. but the fact is, i really do.

i almost caught to a dead end.

my head is banging onto the wall, again and again.
am liked shooting the m16 to myself over and over again.
i hate to say that;

i hate myself for the meantime.


F U * K !

s h o r t a g e

i don't really have many to share. but i still have some things to share.

why SHORTAGE?

idea. energy. hard work. enjoyment. love. attention. money.

but the most...

i am poorly in a shortage of IMAN, AKAL & LOGIKA.

thanks to a friend who reminded me by writing in words.... easier to be understood.
thanks to another friend who supported the top friend's view in this matter.

sayang asked me a favor last night, "please keep him in touch at all time, in whatever am i doing afterward."

i asked myself, and asked for eta's opinion. maybe he.. and she was right.

"am running away from sayang."

maybe it was not really putting him aside... i am just trying to find my own self BACK, again. avoiding the sins between us. making up a HEALTHY relationship. i wish i could. with some prayers from friends and family,

I do BELIEVE i could! I do! I do!