.terputar-putar.

hidup aku ibarat terumbang-ambing di lautan tidak bertepi. aku mcm tak pasti setiap apa yang aku buat ni betul ke salah. aku macam hilang pedoman arah untuk aku bergerak sendiri. eisk. (sedang praktis menaip dengan sepuluh jari) terseksa sungguh!

last week aku akhirnya bersertuju jugak untuk lend a hand kat kindy kakak aku. dengan perjanjian hanya sampai cikgu baru datang. i worked only for 4 days. but the experiences i've gained is priceless. i never tot being a kindy teacher will require not only skills of being a teacher... but more on patience and passion. banyak yang aku tokleh lupa... insya Allah i'll share some of the valuable moments in the next entry after uploading the kids' photo from my hp.

aku nak carik keje la. tapi aku ade siket fear and fobia untuk diatasi. gara-gara black diary tuh la... dah la refused to pay me! lahabau punye LB!!! so aku ingat nak try work from home. cuma aku tatau mana nak start. and apa nak dibuat. kalau nak lenggang je tokleh dah.. sbb beban hutang dah keliling pinggang sekarang. dulu bolehla... stakat makan minum... macam mana aku nak buat ni. berdoalah untuk yang terbaik. semoga dibukakan jalan terbaik untuk kerjaya dan masa depan aku. amin~!

aku nak lupakan Sayang. that day aku borak ngan satu kawan inet yang dah lama aku kenal tapi tak pernah jumpa. aku takut nak jumpa sebab takut kehilangan kawan macam aku kehilangan Armin dulu.... aku citer kat dia pasal relationship aku ngan Sayang. In details... physically. bagusnya kawan aku ni... dia bagi opinions dia dengan menembak aku menggunakan M16 tanpa belas kasihan. tersentak jugak aku... tapi menangis tak berlagu la kan. dan aku start menganalisa kata-kata dia. banyak yang betul. banyak yang salah jugak... sebab aku tak nak accept the fact. few days then, aku talked to Babe. again on the same things. dalam banyak benda, Babe memang pendengar aku yang terbaik. orang yang faham hati aku. tapi apa sangatlah yang dia boleh buat melainkan menasihati aku, dan selalu menyokong aku :)

dah few days sejak birthday wife Sayang, dia tak contact aku. kebetulan mungkin, weekends. kata Eta, dia busy. aku tak banyak soal. aku kena belajar dari sekarang, untuk mengurangkan harapan aku kat dia. untuk kurangkan rindu aku.... kurangkan pergantungan aku... kurangkan ingatan aku.. kurangkan lah segala-gala yang berkaitan dengan dia. dia pun aku rasa.. mungkin agak menjauh. lagi pulak dengan aku yang asik-asik mintak dia lupakan aku, tinggalkan aku. entah la. susah. pedih. perit. sakit. seksaan. kadang-kadang macam membunuh! tapi secara perlahan-lahan. secara halus. bak kata Babe... aku ni seorang yang dominan dalam kehalusan tindakan aku. mungkin ya.. dan mungkin sebab tu jugaklah... ini berlaku perlahan. terlalu perlahan dan menyakitkan.

esok aku nak balik Ampang. tapi aku siang-siang dah cakap kat Sayang... aku nak avoid dia. aku harap aku berjaya avoid dia. TAPI MAMPU KE SAYA ???? heeeeeeeeeeeeee! dah lah. nak berchatting lagi best. pikir pasal dia cuma buat aku sakit kepala.

sekian.

. b la c k . d i a r y .

8th june 2009
it's about 3p.m. when i was lying happily on my bed, counting seconds to have another nap of the day. a woman called me for an interview session. it was an ID firm in ipoh road. yes! i am so excited preparing myself. hoping that i'll hit this job. it was looooong ago since my last time attending an interview session. i was quite blur. babe helped me much, tq my friend :)

9th june 2009
i met her at about 10a.m in the office meeting room. to believe or not, i know this office since i was small. everytime i took bus homed from kl, i'll for sure pass the building. it was short, and silent session. i didn't say much. i didn't sell myself so good. but am expecting a good future. she promised to call on the next day.

11th june 2009
she finally called me, early at 11a.m. i smiled. i got a job! report to my office tomorrow, at 9a.m. we'll discuss further on salary and working hours. am expecting u tomorrow cause am leaving to singapore till monday. great.

12th june 2009
my first working day at a new place. smiled to everyone. a gal, so young i guess, showed me my place. gotch what a mess??? she must not have an assistant for long... a stack of files at my back, unfiled documents all over the place, untidy table... OMG! i need to clean up this place. the Lady Boss came in. she called me, and the new colleague to her room. gotch! her room was worst! is she a human or what? how could she managed to stay and work in this kind of mess??? she might be on rushed. all her orders were given in loud. she speaks great english. query on her marital status, she's using MISS not Mrs or Madam. hurms.... her principles: Qaulity, Quantity, Cost, Time. i always remember that. always do.

15th june 2009
hip hop day. my Lady Boss was in Singapore. but i need to go to the KWSP office to settle the payments. it was so hot. god bless the despatch! they struggled to deliver their best in all weathers. big clap!

16th june 2009
orientation week. she loves to yell at people. her high tonation of voice put me in deep silent. she's the one whom asked, and again she's the one whom giving the best answers. mine, were all lies and silly thoughts and rubbish. out of 8 working hours, i only had 1.5 to work at my own place. rest of the day, standing infront of the Lady Boss (LB).

17th june 2009
i started to stress out. all doings was never right. all my words had never been accepted. i read her mind well, YELLING! i answered nothing, LOUDER. being polite on the phone, i was almost got eaten by LB. don't waste your time answering silly calls. pyramid of priority in work : from the most top : LAW >> GOVERNMENT >> CLIENTS >> STAFFS >> OTHERS. people to ignore, them who claimed money from us. people to pay attention to : people who give us $$$.

she stressed out again, and again. no politeness in my office. they bother u, show them rudeness. that's what i concluded from her training. gila ke dia ni???

18th june 2009
she's a PHYSCO ! i can became crazier working with her. she shouted 90% of her words. she yelled to other person like we're rubbish to her. she double standard herself, a great international woman. admitted her attitudes in work, i salute her for always knowing what she wanted.

but i never could stand her madness. craziness. i started to fed up. cried in my sleep. woke up in fear of thinking what will be wrong today. eventhough i've studied all night long. i brought home my works. i slept late at night. but the fear kills my confidence.

19th june 2009
i didn't know what went wrong that day. she scolded me all day long. my legs started to cramp. eventho i just wore flat slipper bought after the broken heels. i went home in frustrating. i cried. my head started spinning how to fight on my own right. i started to hate her.

the weekends, i consulted Mama & Ayah. they supported me. they motivated me. but it wasn't really help. i just listened and took note. to apply, kinda difficult for me. such an impossible.

the sunday, i had to attend a meeting with staffs at LB's boutique in Lot10. i work on sunday for free?? shit! i know i hate this. i know... this won't stay longer. i knew there'll a dark future between me and this crazy LB.

22nd june 2009
monday fever never appear in me while working with this LB. the morning went so good. she almost changed my decision to 50-50. again, a crazy woman will always remain her craziness with madness and loudness. after lunch, she was chased by bankers. and she got mad. started to yell here and there, this and that.

aku tatau hantu apa yang dah rasuk aku. tapi sebab terlampau geram dan sakit hati, air mata aku berjuraian keluar lepas LB marah tak semena-mena. aku pekik balik kat dia. dia pekik, aku pekiklagi. dia macam nak pelempang aku, aku back off sambil signal... do not try that on me or u'll regret it. apa punya bos, boleh dia kata... u don't need to get familiar with anything... u just have to do what i want u to do. bloody hell! fail mana pun aku tak ingat lagi... dengan nak ikut style kerja ko lagi... dengan asyik nak kena tadah telinga sepanjang hari dalam bilek kau... dan ko kata aku tak payah nak get familiar utk buat keje2 kau tu??? kepala bu*o anda!!!!

all the architects were gathered next door. other officers, minggling around. i knew, everyone must have heard the quarrel. wow... i trapped my own self. fighting my own pay LB. bullshitting! end of the day, she asked me to work or not... my answer was YES. why it was YES, my tongue said so. did my heart feel so? did my brain think so? NO! NOT AT ALL.

23rd june 2009
i reached office earlier. drafting my resignation letter. printed it out, signed. changed some dates and put on LB's desk. she came in. calling me. her first response...

are you giving up young lady? YES. are you? i am not. YES, i can;t stand to work for you anymore.

aku tatau apa gila aku jawab macam tu. tapi pagi tu bukan satu pagi yang baik. aku ingatkan aku resign baik-baik, dia terima laa elok-elok. rupanya dia lagi bakar aku.

for what reason are you giving up? i lost my respect to my own boss, i lost my respect in you. hey, i don;t need your respect. i never respect anyone in this world. shit!

i hated when you keep on shouting at me all day long. i have no time to prove my ability to you. i do? YES, almost all the time. oh, that's my style. i love military style. people shouting at other people, giving orders.... i hate military style. but that's my style and you ahve to... i have people shouting at me. you can order me in god ways. but military style, survive! i don't. otherwise, i better serve the military.

kepala hotak betulla pompuan ni. bila aku sticked to my decision, dia hangin.

at 11a.m. i was called to handover all my duties and responsibilities. she marked there on my letter... date to confirm? she asked me to play role as CLERK with an EXECUTIVE pay till my last day. lunch to after, i had to berpanas, berpeluh ketiak settling her outstanding debts with EPF again, her BMW car loan... (tunggu masa kena tarik je kalau lambat), the utilities.... i reached office back about 3+. i cleaned up my desk. i cleared all my pending duties. i spoke to everyone whom i needed answers from them. the meeting i supposed to attend, LB attended herself. good for you. i replied her letter... CONFIRMATION OF RESIGNATION >>> IMMEDIATELY that day. i clocked out at 5p.m. with all my stuffs.

and from that moment, i am officially has nothing to do with that crazy LB. except for... am still counting days to claim for my salary.

don't play-play with me yeah old lady. i know ur what's company status is. you don't pay me... i go to LAW. u hate to deal with law? u better pay me a.s.a.p. otherwise, u'll regret it forever.

.The UNPREDICTABLE Life.

I never expected this will be a reality. This... my current life. I am now an UNEMPLOYED person. No job. No pay. No stress. No money. No work. No working commitment. No time limit. No this. No that. So many NOs. but somehow, too many things happened in a month. Let's me share my STORIES.

1st week of June 2009
I enjoyed my days lepaking at home. Pretending liked was still working. Terpaksa kerana menjaga hati parents ku. Mid of week, I went to Cherating as backpacker with Ajeng. Only two of us. The journey was great. I'll share in my next entry. The weekend went as usual. Am started to find new job through internet and newspapers.

2nd week of June 2009
I was called for an interview. Was so excited that I'd spent whole night to get myself well prepared. It was an ID firm in Ipoh Road, close by PWTC. I have the strong feeling that I'll hit the vacancy. And there I was... I was called to report duty on the Friday, 12th. To vacant the position of Personal Assistant to Company Director. Wow! 1st interview, and I got it! Babe credited me as so lucky :) And proudly, I told Mama & Ayah about this. End of weekend, I skipped class for attending Biante's wedding in Perak. Luckily I'd done the shopping before I started to work. Was wearing cream kebaya with brownish batik. Felt sooooo slim now comparatively to my days in Kajang, while working with Bie & the team.

3rd week of June 2009
I woke up before 6a.m. We, me, Babe & the sister in-law, left house almost 7. The journey to office was longer. I reached there early, had my breakfast ALONE. Then I started to work. My second day, the Boss wasn't around. but I needed to go to EPF office to make the payment. Gotch! Feel liked crying of hot! The next day then, my BLACK DIARY started. I'll go details in the next entry, again. The week went so damn slow. Felt like dying in hell! Damn it.The weekend, Babe spent a night at my hometown. The Sunday, I was called to supervise some staffs' works in lot 10. God bless me... I WORKED ON SUNDAY man!!!

4th week of June 2009
I can't stand it anymore. She trained me well. I SHOUTED back at her. Yelling liked she loves to do. She got mad. I was so damn frustrated. I hate myself when I started to yell at my Boss. That wasn't a good sign. Before clocked out, she said a phrase, Do you want to work? My answer was YES that evening. I went home, keeping my head puzzled with all the evening events. Her says, my shouts... Oh I knew this isn't a good sign. I'll stay as longer as I could, as promised to parents. The next day came in frame. I was so early. I made up my mind, printing out a letter of resignation. Let's give the date to end of this week. Know what happen??? U'll never believe what I've been through! NEVER! And rest of the month... I am UNEMPLOYED again. My lucky star didn't really shine.

Early week of July 2009
I've to settle debts with MARA. They're giving out warning letters to all their debtors. Where to find RM4K in a week?? Bloody hell! Worst decision ever, 'someone' told me to keep silent and let myself being BLACKLISTED. WTF! Nonsense! I obejected. I found a way, it might kill me, but that's the only survival way. Credit to my ex Boss whom allowed me to use the company facilities. Now I know how kind hearted you are, Boss.

And here I am, playing with the PC and internet to fullfill my time. Am drafting a home based job for myself. Hopefully it'll work.






Till this moment, I realized how much I love people surrounded me. Thank u everyone. To Sayang... you're the best BF I've ever had in my life.





'THE UNEMPLOYED LADY'