he brought back my smiles :)

it's been so long since we were last on conversation. we caught in a fight. silly fight because of jealousy and being too emotional. i was getting mad. felt being betrayed. so i dumped him before he dumped me. and worst part was... i deleted hinm out of my YM list! hahahahahahaha.

luckily he's more matured than i do. he kept me online. and yesterday night, after few failed conversations before... we had a long conversation. OMG! he really brought back my smiling heart. i know i miss him so much. i know i always like our friendship. an old best virtual boyfriend ever. thank u, Mr.A.

oh, am speechless. all i can say is.. thank you good BFF. may we meet again, and more often after this. liked the old days. i always need you, a shoulder to cry on. a friend to listen to. a friend to laugh with. given thousands men in my current life now, i will always choose you, my Mr.A.

say... sayang~

i spent my day reading on 'mistress'. i found out many different perceptions of people from all over the world. why am i reading this? a friend of mine was sincerely asking, 'is this part of your master research or what?'. felt like kicking his ass to the drainage! no, actually am 'investigating' on my future status. gotch! to some extend, i think i am already out of my mind. what do i really think of by being someone's mistress?! wtf!

through my readings, some are on the opposite side... able to kill the so-called mistresses if they found one. some had been there, and done that. some are just playing safe, standing safe on the fence. and throughout the long reading hours, i smiled, i was mad, i felt pissed off, was thinking of killing someone, mixed feelings. hurms. how i wish i won't have to do this in my life.

orang senang cakap. orang senang maki. orang senang sumpah-sumpah. mungkin kalau aku jadi mereka, aku pun menyumpah mistresses ini.. ye aku pernah menyumpah mereka suatu ketika dulu. saat cinta ibuku diduakan. saat aunties dimadukan. tapi kini... you will only know how do they actually feel only, and only when you are in their shoes. they are reasons why do we bare to live liked this. they were right. mistresses actually have nothing to be proud of, in long term mode. but in short term mode, they can have almost everything they wish for. it's liked living in the heaven when your wishing list comes true. in term of living luxurious, absolutely most of them do enjoy it so much. oh my gucci~ oh my prada. malaysians label these women as 'pisau cukur'. 'double gillettes'. 'slut'. 'bitch'. but to differentiate these women to prostitute is, they have their own pride and they stick to one man, most of the time, and most of them do.

they might look happy, in outer. yet, deep inside these mistresses, only God knows what.

thinking of her future, HOPELESS.

thinking of her risk of life if the relationship is being exposed, TOO HIGH RISK! might get killed like Altantuya did.

wifey have everyday of the man. she's only having hour or two.

texting. absolutely prohibited after working hours. loneliness. key of madness.

but why mistresses will choose to stay of being mistresses?

be in my shoes. you will know why.

wear my clothes. you will feel how.

smell my perfume.

you will choose to live in it.

why sayang will keep on saying ILU, INU, IMU... because he needs me to fulfill his emptiness.

and why i will always answer, ME TOO... because i need him to share my emptiness.

it always goes that way.

"You jump, I jump."

.life.

life. 4 small alphabets that are combined to make a very heavy load to be carried throughout your years of living. when i was kid, i tot of life as hard enough. i had to go to school everyday, forced to do this and that, being restricted from doing that and the other that, my every decision is to be permitted or supported with parental guidance & approval.. oo gotch. yet, as i grew up, i learned many more about life. and the harder it goes as time went by. the old days that i tot was tough enough is actually something i dreamed for to have now. sigh! i was 21. and i got the key i'd been wishing for. everyone does! the key to have my own decision, the key to be an adult, the key to do what i want to do, and not to do what i think i never wanted to do. i live on my heart says. the time to stand on a living with my 2 legs, and set of complete body.

i never tot life could be as hardest as i am going through now.

i learn alot. meantime, i also gain many things. i collect and tie up everything. until i am now almost stuck with my own rope of life. now that am sick. sick of my ups and downs. life obstacles shall never end. to survive, i have to move on. no matter how hard it is. how harsh it is. how hurting it is. how killing it is. He knows what I am capable of. and I know what I am able to. i can. yes, i always can!

to babe, if only you read this. i am sorry that i am not there by your side at this moment. i know life is so hard for you. just don't take things to hard. stop thinking nonsense! besides, praying to Him, and crying to Him. i always pray for your best. i won't force you to share your stories. but play safe, and act wise.

to you. i know you are going to face the harder moments in your life. sometimes, the beginning of a marriage is always started with struggles. so be strong. eventho am not always be by your side, am always there to listen. and eventho WE are not going anywhere... but we will support each other. oh btw, am planning on my marriage to be in june 2010. i hope so, i will!

to parents. you both are wonderful. thank you for still feeding me, and lending me some 'oxygen' to breath.

to family. many things happened that we never expected it before. learn. stay together.

to my future husband-t-be... where on earth are you now? i've been looking for long, please come and appear in my dreams... so that i'l find you in my steps. hahahahaha

to myself. enjoy there free period as much as you could. spend it as how you want it to be spent. it won't stay long. life will change. be strong.

Dia sedang menguji aku...

Masuk ni dah hari ke 8 aku menjadi nurse tak bertauliah. Membantu Ayah & Mama menjaga Atok Minah yang dah tak berdaya untuk bergerak sendiri. Bertuah aku kerana aku yang dipilihNya. Memang ini suatu ujian untuk aku... berat untuk aku mulakan, dan berat lagilah untuk aku melepaskan tanggungjawab ini. Tak mungkin selagi ada hayatnya Atok... aku akan terus bertahan. Biarlah penat jerih lelah ku.. biarlah terpaksa aku tolak tawaran-tawaran itu, pasti ada yang lebih baik untukku nanti. Memang kalau diukur ketabahanku, aku mungkin boleh hilang kesabaran suatu masa nanti. Tapi insya Allah aku akan mendoakan diriku sendiri... agar aku lebih penyabar, agar aku lebih kuat dan lebih sihat.

Seseorang yang istimewa pernah berkata kepadaku... "kadang-kadang kita ada cita, kita pun ada cinta... tapi tanggungjawab ada dibahu untuk dipikul. dan pilihlah tanggungjawab itu terdahulunya, biarpun perlu dikorbankan cita itu, cinta itu... tetapi kita tak akan menyesalinya seumur hidup..." Ketika dia berkata-kata, aku rajuk kerana berkecil hati. Kini, barulah aku fahami maksud kata-katanya. Ya, memang berat tanggungjawab itu untuk dipikul. Memang banyak yang perlu aku korbankan. Memang banyak yang perlu aku berikan...biarpun ada tikanya bukan suatu kerelaan. Tapi aku perlu pikulnya, aku perlu lakukannya... aku perlu menjadikan tanggungjawab ku mendahului segalanya dalam hidupku. Selepas tanggungjawabku kepada Tuhan Yang Esa, Yang Mengetahui segalanya... tanggungjawab perlu aku dahulukan. Benar kata kau, wahai seseorang itu.

Tiap kali terpandang wajah Atok, hatiku bagai tersayup lagi. Pedih di wajahnya menahan kesakitan, genangan air matanya merintih kekesalan... rintihan doanya yang memohon dipermudahkan dan diberikan yang terbaik dariNya... "Ya Allah, jika saat ini perlu berakhirnya hayat Atok, Kau permudahkanlah baginya. Jika itu yang terbaik, Kau ambillah dia. Janganlah kau menguji kami dengan ujian-ujian yang tidak mampu kami tanggungi.." Tapi berkatalah Dia, "tidak diuji hambaNya melainkan Dia tahu mereka mampu..." Sesungguhnya... aku hanya menitip titian waktu yang aku tak pasti penghujungnya. Janjiku pada Ayah & Mama, aku akan bantu selagi terdaya. InsyaAllah, selagi Atok masih bernyawa... jasanya pada kita akan kubalas sebaiknya.

Terbit rasa insaf di hati memikirkan saat aku berhadapan mautku nanti. Aku takut dosa-dosaku yang... astagfirullah.

Ya Allah, Kau yang maha mengetahui segalanya, Kau yang menentukan segalanya, Jadikanlah yang terbaik untukku, dan terbaik untuk semua di sekelilingku. Izinkan aku bertaubat kepadaMu. Aku... aku terlalu kerdil dan hina di sisiMu. Kecil sungguh amalanku tak terbanding dosa-dosa hitamku. Ampuni aku, Ya Tuhanku. Berikanlah aku kekuatan, kesihatan dan ketabahan untuk terus mengucapkan kalimah-kalimahMu sehingga penutup nafasku.

Untuk semua yang menyokongku, yang sentiasa memberi dorongan, yang tidak berputus kata menggembirakan aku, yang tak lelah bertanyakan khabarku, yang tak putus berSMS denganku... TERIMA KASIH yang tidak terhingga. Semoga kalian akan dibalas kebaikkannya suatu hari nanti, tidak di dunia, di akhirat nanti. Insya Allah.