e y r a ' s p a g e

Dia sedang menguji aku...

2009-11-11T18:34:00.000-08:00

Masuk ni dah hari ke 8 aku menjadi nurse tak bertauliah. Membantu Ayah & Mama menjaga Atok Minah yang dah tak berdaya untuk bergerak sendiri. Bertuah aku kerana aku yang dipilihNya. Memang ini suatu ujian untuk aku... berat untuk aku mulakan, dan berat lagilah untuk aku melepaskan tanggungjawab ini. Tak mungkin selagi ada hayatnya Atok... aku akan terus bertahan. Biarlah penat jerih lelah ku.. biarlah terpaksa aku tolak tawaran-tawaran itu, pasti ada yang lebih baik untukku nanti. Memang kalau diukur ketabahanku, aku mungkin boleh hilang kesabaran suatu masa nanti. Tapi insya Allah aku akan mendoakan diriku sendiri... agar aku lebih penyabar, agar aku lebih kuat dan lebih sihat.

Seseorang yang istimewa pernah berkata kepadaku... "kadang-kadang kita ada cita, kita pun ada cinta... tapi tanggungjawab ada dibahu untuk dipikul. dan pilihlah tanggungjawab itu terdahulunya, biarpun perlu dikorbankan cita itu, cinta itu... tetapi kita tak akan menyesalinya seumur hidup..." Ketika dia berkata-kata, aku rajuk kerana berkecil hati. Kini, barulah aku fahami maksud kata-katanya. Ya, memang berat tanggungjawab itu untuk dipikul. Memang banyak yang perlu aku korbankan. Memang banyak yang perlu aku berikan...biarpun ada tikanya bukan suatu kerelaan. Tapi aku perlu pikulnya, aku perlu lakukannya... aku perlu menjadikan tanggungjawab ku mendahului segalanya dalam hidupku. Selepas tanggungjawabku kepada Tuhan Yang Esa, Yang Mengetahui segalanya... tanggungjawab perlu aku dahulukan. Benar kata kau, wahai seseorang itu.

Tiap kali terpandang wajah Atok, hatiku bagai tersayup lagi. Pedih di wajahnya menahan kesakitan, genangan air matanya merintih kekesalan... rintihan doanya yang memohon dipermudahkan dan diberikan yang terbaik dariNya... "Ya Allah, jika saat ini perlu berakhirnya hayat Atok, Kau permudahkanlah baginya. Jika itu yang terbaik, Kau ambillah dia. Janganlah kau menguji kami dengan ujian-ujian yang tidak mampu kami tanggungi.." Tapi berkatalah Dia, "tidak diuji hambaNya melainkan Dia tahu mereka mampu..." Sesungguhnya... aku hanya menitip titian waktu yang aku tak pasti penghujungnya. Janjiku pada Ayah & Mama, aku akan bantu selagi terdaya. InsyaAllah, selagi Atok masih bernyawa... jasanya pada kita akan kubalas sebaiknya.

Terbit rasa insaf di hati memikirkan saat aku berhadapan mautku nanti. Aku takut dosa-dosaku yang... astagfirullah.

Ya Allah, Kau yang maha mengetahui segalanya, Kau yang menentukan segalanya, Jadikanlah yang terbaik untukku, dan terbaik untuk semua di sekelilingku. Izinkan aku bertaubat kepadaMu. Aku... aku terlalu kerdil dan hina di sisiMu. Kecil sungguh amalanku tak terbanding dosa-dosa hitamku. Ampuni aku, Ya Tuhanku. Berikanlah aku kekuatan, kesihatan dan ketabahan untuk terus mengucapkan kalimah-kalimahMu sehingga penutup nafasku.

Untuk semua yang menyokongku, yang sentiasa memberi dorongan, yang tidak berputus kata menggembirakan aku, yang tak lelah bertanyakan khabarku, yang tak putus berSMS denganku... TERIMA KASIH yang tidak terhingga. Semoga kalian akan dibalas kebaikkannya suatu hari nanti, tidak di dunia, di akhirat nanti. Insya Allah.

sebuah harapan yang ~!@#$%^&*()

2009-10-22T03:19:00.000-07:00

lama sungguh aku tak menulis. biarpun banyak yang terjadi, tapi dah tak mampu untuk aku kongsikan dalam blog ni. hidup aku yang penuh dengan terumbang-ambing sekarang ni... seakan mendesak aku untuk menjadi agak perahsia dengan perasaanku sendiri. kerja... sejak dibuang kerja aku pun agak mati kutu nak kerja apa. aku ada cuba buat few applications. tapi belom ada yang panggil. belum rezeki kot. susah nak cari keja yang kita mahu, dan kerja yang betul-betul mahukan kita. cina puaka, bos lama aku yang gila tu, baru sekarang dia nak admit yang aku ni cekap. huh! simpan jelah pujian dia tu dalam lemari besi opis tu. kesian jugak aku bila dengar cerita-cerita eta. apetah lagi cerita... si dia. cuma aku mampu suruh mereka bertahan je. tapi nampaknye sorang akan surrender. yang sorang lagi perlu lebih lama bertahan, sebab dia yang terkemudian sekali kan :D terfkir aku, MD aku nanti cemana. rasa macam nak je aku hasut2 MD aku soh terminate contract ngan cina puaka tu. suka betul dia merendah-rendahkan orang yang dah tolong dia terbang tinggi. dasar cina puaka tak sedar diri!

ok sudah! sudah tentang mereka dan ums.

aku... aku nak cerita sesuatu lah. tentang hati. baru-baru ni, kawan2 rapat aku ade kes lagi. ada perempuan ke3 wujud dalam relationship mereka. kebetulan aku kat hometown, so aku cuma di-update dari mulut-mulut mereka sahaja. yang pasti, bak kata Babe semalam dalam sms dia... dia takmau perkara macam ni terjadi kat aku. ye, aku faham. aku pun rasa bersalah, bersalah pada semua orang. sebab... akulah antara perempuan ketiga yang merosakkan kebahagiaan orang. aku dah cuba pulangkan... tapi aku tak berjaya. bila orang tanya, aku cakap aku cuma berkawan. hakikatnya... aku rasa aku semakin rapat dengan dia. aku sendiri pun tak faham dengan perangai aku. sanggup aku merampas kebahagiaan orang untuk kepentingan diri sendiri?! bullshit je rasa. bohsia! tu term masa budak2 dulu... (kena pulak aku baru habis tgk certa bohsia tu) tapi perangai aku dgn term tu tak jauh bezanya kot. apa lagi benda jahat dalam dunia ni aku tak buat? seterkutuk-kutuk wanita... malu aku nak berhadapan dengan realiti. tapi hakikatnya... akulah yang bodoh!

babe pernah tanya aku beberapa malam lepas. apa harapan aku pada dia. pada relationship kami. aku takde jawapan yang sahih. takut jugak aku bila terbaca email pasal persatuan murtad islam punye request. astagfirullah.... takutnya menjadi mereka2 yang ingkar di kala dunia semakin berpecah ditelan dosa dan kelaknatanNya! but when come to him... deep inside me, aku masih mengharapkan sesuatu keajaiban berlaku. aku cuba jauhkan diri dari dia... tapi aku macam menjerat diri sendiri pulak kadang-kadang. nak tanak, aku ikat jugak cerucuk idung aku ke tali ekor dia... ikut mana dia pegi. sakit jiwa, aku dah lali kot. makan hati, kurang sket sekarang sebab aku cuba nak take things easy. tapi bila ngan babe... hish. thanks to her who concern so much about me. but am so much sorry...i can;t do what i say when it comes to him.

dah. sakit kepala kalau pk. aku nak siap2 mama nak berbuka. semoga Allah memberikan yang terbaik untuk aku, untuk dia, dan untuk kita semua.

my heart smiles

2009-09-28T03:09:00.000-07:00

my heart is blooming.

my lips are smiling.

he always be the one.

thanks for still whispering the 3 words to me, twice today.

me, too.

.He will always listen.

2009-09-10T23:41:00.000-07:00

Semalam aku ghi berbka puasa ngan bebudak d6a. gambar2 belom di-upload oleh mommies and pahzai. so will have to wait till... till i have no idea when. seronoknye. sejak kitorang keluar mmu, inilah 1st time kot berjaya kumpul beramai-ramai. oh maybe ada sekali ramai jugak masa lepak kt klcc, krismas 2008, celebrate bday nita. kali ni lain siket, ngan mommies & their hubbies. auch.

the attendances:
eyya & arai & arisya (eyya is a pvt school teacher)
eli & nazri & danish (eli is a master student)
pahzai & reza (pahzai is a designer in klsentral)
naza (a lecturer in unisel)
nita (another designer in group)
ieda (an insurance people)
eyra (a going-to-be-terminated admin)

the absences:
nina (famili reunion)
dena (far in melaka)
ara (night shift)

oooooo.... eventho it was only a very short meet up.... but it was so happenings. we breakfasting at manhattan fish market @ midvalley. it was delicious... eventho crazy expensive. but to serve the 10 of us, it is more than worth it, i believe! the plates are cleaned by themselves :p

ok. the point am writing and listing all the above.

i wan to get married. i want to find a husband that can fulfill my loneliness. am i so lonely? no la... actually, i want my own family. liked eli & eyya do have one. oooooo so sweet! even everyday, eta keeps on sharing stories about eman. ooooo i really want my own family.

eli told me, to say this 44x a week. insya Allah He'll listen to me. yes, of course He is listening. even the moment am writing this, He also heard me. only that, He want to fulfill my prayer or not. hurmss.... :( am so poor as a human. will He listen to me? eli topped up her says.... when i said that mama told me that i might be too demanding, also might be highly maintenance looking. so i scare people. then eli said... if in this case, don't forget to slot in the demanding + high maintenance things in my daily prayer.

yes. i have to pray harder.

and i really want to have a man and kids to fulfill my life. a perfect career. a great Muslim family. insya Allah.

.today.

2009-09-10T00:15:00.000-07:00

i haven't been writing for long. i wanted to, but i don't feel like i know what to say. my head is spinning liked spinning gasing, don;t know when to stop. what happened in this mean time really make my life sux. i realize, it is dugaan on ramadhan. but somehow, i feel liked am losing my track by days. sad huh?

what is it about actually?

in real, real actual... it is mostly about WORK. workplace and workmates. no, not really workmates. i have no problems with them. i only have big, big problem with my Boss. the one that i've been positively involved before. but recently, all i heard about isn't soothing my ears anymore. am the betrayer, am the lazy, am the irresponsible supervisor. SUPERVISOR? oh i never realize that i am. i only HEARD about it after my resignation. and now, after my come back, he's claiming me not carrying my duties. so sucker man! he made me hate him more, and more by day. until the moment i felt like blowing out... and his annoying shouts came into my ears when i was terribly hungry. just a little thing... yet he's the one whom pending the action! and there came the monday... he said it out FINALLY. y

es, i dont satisfy u sir. so what's the point i still work here? i can work for you and for the company till the very last day u want me to do so. if 18th it is, then the friday will be my last day.. if you want it to be earlier, 10th or 15th? can also do. am doing fine with it.

hurms... we don't have so much work now. that's why am thinking of terminating your services.
why don't you look into my eyes fucker????

it isn't a big deal for me. u decide when, am here to sign the letter.
and i walked off his smoky room.

omg! if only i tender my resignation, i won;t have to wait longer. but Mama asked me to wait till he fires me. so now... am more than firing myself already! but he can still pretend liked nothing?!

where's my letter sir? where??? are you so busy to prepare one? i can help you out if u need to.

i hate your egoism bos! just admit your wrong dids, ONCE.
and everyone can tolerate you.

.m.o.r.p.h.z.

2009-09-03T22:26:00.000-07:00

morphz.

the last time i heard about you was last year.
and now, the recent news i heard about u...
that u have passed away.

am sorry that i didn't make a point to ring u.
am sorry that i was late to say my last goodbye to u.

but, my prayer is always with u.
may ur soul be blessed forever.

Al-Fatihah.

.ramadhan.

2009-08-23T00:37:00.000-07:00

salam ramadhan 1430H untuk semua kaum muslimin dan muslimat.

alhamdullilah, dapat lagi aku bersua dengan ramadhan yang mulia ini. biarpun dalam keadaan serba kekurangan, tapi aku pasti inilah masa terbaik untuk aku memperbanyakkan amalanku, mendekatkan diriku kepada-Nya, kembali menuntut ilmu mengisi kekosongan hati dengan cinta kepada Islam. aku amat-amat berharap, dan aku doakan ramadhan kali ini akan lebih baik daripada yang sesebelumnya. aku berdoa dan memohon kepadaNya.

biarpun di kala hatiku kepedihan kerana kekecewaan, tapi aku tak akan benarkan ia menyelubungi keindahan ramadhan ku. telah aku pilih ketika ini untuk berdepan dengan kenyataan, maka aku pasti aku boleh berhadapan dengannya. segala dugaan dunia cumalah untuk menyaring aku meniti jambatan menuju ke pintu syurga.

jauh di lubuk hati, aku acapkali berdoa agar ramadhan ini akan mengisi kekosongan hati aku dengan seribu keinsafan dan kemaafan dan kepatuhan dan ketaatan dan kebahagiaan dan KEIMANAN. insya Allah.

untuk semua, aku susun sepuluh jari memohon ampun dan maaf atas segala salah laku. semoga ramadhan kali ini akan menyinari keindahan masa depan kita, dunia & akhirat.

.p r o m i s e s.

2009-08-21T18:25:00.000-07:00

promise me... u will always be my best friend forever.
promise me... u will share all your stories with me.
promise me... to always give me a chance to lend u my hands every time u need a friend.
promise me... to always take a good care of yourself.
promise me... u will not cry about us anymore.
promise me... we will be good partners at work.
promise me... promise me... promise me...

yes, i promise u.
i promise u as what i have promised u.

being selfish, is always for reasons. u do selfish. i do the same also. u need me & ur family, both at the same time. i need money & u at the same time. so we both chose to be fair. u picked ur family. i attached to my money. and, we agreed. i thank Allah s.w.t. for waking me up, earlier. i thank u for releasing me, finally. i thank myself, for making a very hard decision yet the best, ever in life. i thank myself, for returning what i've been borrowing for long. i wish we both will have a brighter future. i pray for both of us, to have what we've been dreaming for. in my deep heart, my prayer is always for us... forever.

let our last three words... remains forever deep in the seas of our hearts...

I love U so much, Fira.
I love U too, Sayang.

and our last tele conversation, as lovers, ended there.

.he's knocking.

2009-08-13T22:50:00.000-07:00

what other words could i ever say then, it's over Nick.

he's knocking my heart. for these few days, he finally got a wide opened opportunity. eta isn't here. bos also not coming till afternoon. he came to my desk. asking me stupid questions. u ok? of course, i am! i nak tgk hp u, mesti ada lagi gambar i kat sini. sorry, it's my personal things. i know it's somewhere inside. i don''t believe u've thrown everything off. god bless u. i felt like crying! okay, i tak nak kacau u lagi. nanti u berhenti lagi skali pulak, i yang rugi. sekarang, atleast i boleh nampak u hari-hari. walaupun rindu i tak pernah terubat. how i wish i could hug u very tight and close to my heart at that moment. but it always CANNOT. NOT ANYMORE. u chase me like dying. but u can't do nothing about us. and u're just acting selfish! very selfish!

bercinta, berkasih tak seharusnya memiliki.

i sayang u, Nick. sampai bila-bila pun, i tetap akan ingat janji itu, kata-kata itu. deep inside me, my prayer is with us all the time. is for us. is wishing for a miracle. is waiting for you to come to me. eventho... i know, and am very much sure it won't ever happen. why did we falling in love at the first place? why did i allow myself to love you, and to be loved by u??? why? and why can't u do anything about us?

u've claimed that u love me. u claimed that u care about me. u claimed that u've made many wrong dids. but when i asked u, how could u amend these then? what will u do to correct the situation? u answered nothing. why so? why can't u ever say something to me? please..... answer my whys.

because u're just being selfish! because u're never be a good guy. because u're a great cheater whom ever appeared in my life. i hated u. and i hate u more. and the more i miss u'r presence in me... the more i hate u in every breathe i take.

life isn't easy, Nick. but having a life with u, is worst.

.flu.fever.retrictions.

2009-08-09T17:20:00.000-07:00

i had bad flu since last friday nite. after taking some pills, i slept well that night and woke up healthily. so i went to the saturday class, as usually do. the morning sessions went okay. but my body tempreature is getting higher. after having hot soupy for my lunch (luckily my friends tasted the soup as delicious, to me... it's PLAIN) i continued to the afternoon session. since the rules are now changing, i cannot simply skip class without informing them or writing a letter. the story might be longer.. so i decided to carry on. when it's the climax, i had a very bad flu. maybe becoz of the coldness in cik anuari's class. can;t stop bersin like... every half mins. might be scaring the others. on my way home, i tried to avoid the bersin-bersin. until the last two stations, i finally started again. omg, sorry people :-s

the next very morning, abang & kakak came to have breakfast with us at home. he advised to quickly consult a doctor. so, about noon, we wnet to poliklinik zainee, as our pvt doc is closed on sundays. the doc is young, and he reminded me somehow to someone :) he's a good doctor, giving explanation and recommendations. he did also stree out on my eating habits. NO OILY FOOD, NO ICY DRINKS, NO FRIED FOOD, DRINK MORE PLAIN WATER. i had tonsils. this is the second time am infected. and everytime it does, i will fall sick for few days. will need to read more on this tonsil! ooo what a plain food i have to take. if included in with my eczema's, NO EGGS, NO DAIRY MILK, NO WHEAT, NO SEAFOODS... huhuhu if i follow strictly with these i might go thin, and thinner, slim and slimmer! perfect!

i supposed to start work at 9a.m. today. due to my health problems, plus my big day tmrw, i've texted Mr.Director to postpone the date again. i might be thought as, taking advantage, but better than i've to suffer in the fully airconditioning surrounded + smokes! what ever it is lah! as long as i can fuly recover myself, then it is better than everything wlse. having wealth without good health means nothing to me. so, am going to have my morning bath, then resting. the 'koya-koya' medicines doesn't allow me to focus longer on the screen. my brain has also ran slower.

wish me get well soon!

.come back.

2009-08-03T23:58:00.000-07:00

i tot it's gonna be an end to my career with ums. yet they still welcome me back to work. after all, i did not find any suitable job with better offer like they do. the director confirmed the re-employment. i shall report duty this monday, 10th august 2009 at 9a.m. wow, a day before my big 26th day. i believe this shall be the best gift for me. i hope i can perform much more better that i was, before. i really hope that i will be loyal liked forever this time. i have no reasons to say no to the offer anymore. the responsible on me are just to heavy to be carried alone. some things good that i've learned from LB will be applied into my work. i wish to be more dedicated this time. i won't betray their trust on me, after another chance has given. see, how lucky i am. the opportunity knocked my door, twice.

but the only thing i shall be scared about is HIM. i pray to Allah that i will be able to live in ignorance to all the past memories. ya Allah, berilah aku kekuatan untuk bekerja sekali lagi dengan mereka yang sama, terutamanya dia. jauhilah perasaan sayang yang terdahulu itu dari terus kekal di hatiku, kerana aku perlu membenci dia untuk menjaga periuk nasiku sendiri. bantulah aku, ya Allah. mama's words the other day came across my mind while typing the doa. baguslah kau lepaskan dia... bukan sebab agama atau bangsa. tapi mama tak suka anak mama meruntuhkan rumahtangga orang lain. apa kata orang... dan macammana pulak kalau jadi kat ira sendiri nanti... nauzubillah.

dan sebab tu, aku sedang mengumpulkan sisa-sisa kekuatan untuk kembali. bukan kembali kepada dia... tetapi kepada tujuan asal kenapa aku perlu bekerja.

dan kepada-Mu ya Allah, aku berserah segalanya. amin ya rabbal al amin.

.hate him.

2009-08-03T01:22:00.000-07:00

i accidentally visited his page on facebook. i tot am missing him, damn much. but all i found, the feelings were totally different. he pissed me off! i just felt so damn mad after seeing him... what more seeing his photo collections. i was then asked myself, WHY i felt so? didn't i am not supposed to hate him? i don't know. i can't even bare the madness, and i simply deleted him out of my list. then we now both, declare as over.

.we broke up.

2009-08-02T23:01:00.000-07:00

.21 july 2009.
we met at home. he came about after lunch. i wasn't feel good about us anymore. talking about many things, i finally managed to bring in the topic... this time seriously. i wanted to back off from this relationship. i don;t want myself to suffer anymore. i also don;t want to miss him, to think about him, to rely on him. to this, and that. i wanted a FULLSTOP. he kind of refusing, as usually do. but this time, i really wanna make it happen! i want it to happen! i hate being in love with him. because am suffered. am liked a corpse. a zombie. so, let's just find an end to this. he requested for one month time to answer the final decision. with the terms, we could never contact each other. he said, "let's see whether i can live without u or not." i never tot so... to me, we are already finished! everything has reached it's end. but the moment he went off, i knew that am gonna miss him alot.

.22 july 2009.
he broke the promise himself. he called me. the intention might be good, or finding reasons to talk to me after yesterday. but it ended like hell yeah! he's been asking me the most stupid things, ever! "please help me, not to upload and share our photos on the net." BLOODY HELL! what were you trying to tell me?? you think i am damn stupid ? u think u deserve that??? hey fucker, shit lover! if only i wanted to do so... i must have done it earlier... the moment when we're still in relationship. the moment when i still wanted you. not now, man! it sucks! what a typical, kampung boy thinking was that! u know what??

"u don't have to contact me liked forever after this. i have your answer already. and i am so glad that i am out from the game!" u damn guy... can go to hell!

.28 july 2009.
i missed him. but ain't that much. please! actually i miss his pocket money. i miss it when there is no one i can simply get mad, and shout and...! i just realized... we were in win-win relationship. he needed me to settle his works. i relied on his pocket sunshine :p and now, life is just has to return to its originality. might be harder this time, but better than never return!

.30 julai 2009.
stuck of money. how to survive? i need to get back to work. soon. very much soon. i had a come back offer but i think, this isn't the time yet. so, i need to find a solution. an escape to this trap. gotch! liked a kid struggling to survive!

.terputar-putar.

2009-07-20T06:33:00.000-07:00

hidup aku ibarat terumbang-ambing di lautan tidak bertepi. aku mcm tak pasti setiap apa yang aku buat ni betul ke salah. aku macam hilang pedoman arah untuk aku bergerak sendiri. eisk. (sedang praktis menaip dengan sepuluh jari) terseksa sungguh!

last week aku akhirnya bersertuju jugak untuk lend a hand kat kindy kakak aku. dengan perjanjian hanya sampai cikgu baru datang. i worked only for 4 days. but the experiences i've gained is priceless. i never tot being a kindy teacher will require not only skills of being a teacher... but more on patience and passion. banyak yang aku tokleh lupa... insya Allah i'll share some of the valuable moments in the next entry after uploading the kids' photo from my hp.

aku nak carik keje la. tapi aku ade siket fear and fobia untuk diatasi. gara-gara black diary tuh la... dah la refused to pay me! lahabau punye LB!!! so aku ingat nak try work from home. cuma aku tatau mana nak start. and apa nak dibuat. kalau nak lenggang je tokleh dah.. sbb beban hutang dah keliling pinggang sekarang. dulu bolehla... stakat makan minum... macam mana aku nak buat ni. berdoalah untuk yang terbaik. semoga dibukakan jalan terbaik untuk kerjaya dan masa depan aku. amin~!

aku nak lupakan Sayang. that day aku borak ngan satu kawan inet yang dah lama aku kenal tapi tak pernah jumpa. aku takut nak jumpa sebab takut kehilangan kawan macam aku kehilangan Armin dulu.... aku citer kat dia pasal relationship aku ngan Sayang. In details... physically. bagusnya kawan aku ni... dia bagi opinions dia dengan menembak aku menggunakan M16 tanpa belas kasihan. tersentak jugak aku... tapi menangis tak berlagu la kan. dan aku start menganalisa kata-kata dia. banyak yang betul. banyak yang salah jugak... sebab aku tak nak accept the fact. few days then, aku talked to Babe. again on the same things. dalam banyak benda, Babe memang pendengar aku yang terbaik. orang yang faham hati aku. tapi apa sangatlah yang dia boleh buat melainkan menasihati aku, dan selalu menyokong aku :)

dah few days sejak birthday wife Sayang, dia tak contact aku. kebetulan mungkin, weekends. kata Eta, dia busy. aku tak banyak soal. aku kena belajar dari sekarang, untuk mengurangkan harapan aku kat dia. untuk kurangkan rindu aku.... kurangkan pergantungan aku... kurangkan ingatan aku.. kurangkan lah segala-gala yang berkaitan dengan dia. dia pun aku rasa.. mungkin agak menjauh. lagi pulak dengan aku yang asik-asik mintak dia lupakan aku, tinggalkan aku. entah la. susah. pedih. perit. sakit. seksaan. kadang-kadang macam membunuh! tapi secara perlahan-lahan. secara halus. bak kata Babe... aku ni seorang yang dominan dalam kehalusan tindakan aku. mungkin ya.. dan mungkin sebab tu jugaklah... ini berlaku perlahan. terlalu perlahan dan menyakitkan.

esok aku nak balik Ampang. tapi aku siang-siang dah cakap kat Sayang... aku nak avoid dia. aku harap aku berjaya avoid dia. TAPI MAMPU KE SAYA ???? heeeeeeeeeeeeee! dah lah. nak berchatting lagi best. pikir pasal dia cuma buat aku sakit kepala.

sekian.

. b la c k . d i a r y .

2009-07-06T05:10:00.000-07:00

8th june 2009
it's about 3p.m. when i was lying happily on my bed, counting seconds to have another nap of the day. a woman called me for an interview session. it was an ID firm in ipoh road. yes! i am so excited preparing myself. hoping that i'll hit this job. it was looooong ago since my last time attending an interview session. i was quite blur. babe helped me much, tq my friend :)

9th june 2009
i met her at about 10a.m in the office meeting room. to believe or not, i know this office since i was small. everytime i took bus homed from kl, i'll for sure pass the building. it was short, and silent session. i didn't say much. i didn't sell myself so good. but am expecting a good future. she promised to call on the next day.

11th june 2009
she finally called me, early at 11a.m. i smiled. i got a job! report to my office tomorrow, at 9a.m. we'll discuss further on salary and working hours. am expecting u tomorrow cause am leaving to singapore till monday. great.

12th june 2009
my first working day at a new place. smiled to everyone. a gal, so young i guess, showed me my place. gotch what a mess??? she must not have an assistant for long... a stack of files at my back, unfiled documents all over the place, untidy table... OMG! i need to clean up this place. the Lady Boss came in. she called me, and the new colleague to her room. gotch! her room was worst! is she a human or what? how could she managed to stay and work in this kind of mess??? she might be on rushed. all her orders were given in loud. she speaks great english. query on her marital status, she's using MISS not Mrs or Madam. hurms.... her principles: Qaulity, Quantity, Cost, Time. i always remember that. always do.

15th june 2009
hip hop day. my Lady Boss was in Singapore. but i need to go to the KWSP office to settle the payments. it was so hot. god bless the despatch! they struggled to deliver their best in all weathers. big clap!

16th june 2009
orientation week. she loves to yell at people. her high tonation of voice put me in deep silent. she's the one whom asked, and again she's the one whom giving the best answers. mine, were all lies and silly thoughts and rubbish. out of 8 working hours, i only had 1.5 to work at my own place. rest of the day, standing infront of the Lady Boss (LB).

17th june 2009
i started to stress out. all doings was never right. all my words had never been accepted. i read her mind well, YELLING! i answered nothing, LOUDER. being polite on the phone, i was almost got eaten by LB. don't waste your time answering silly calls. pyramid of priority in work : from the most top : LAW >> GOVERNMENT >> CLIENTS >> STAFFS >> OTHERS. people to ignore, them who claimed money from us. people to pay attention to : people who give us $$$.

she stressed out again, and again. no politeness in my office. they bother u, show them rudeness. that's what i concluded from her training. gila ke dia ni???

18th june 2009
she's a PHYSCO ! i can became crazier working with her. she shouted 90% of her words. she yelled to other person like we're rubbish to her. she double standard herself, a great international woman. admitted her attitudes in work, i salute her for always knowing what she wanted.

but i never could stand her madness. craziness. i started to fed up. cried in my sleep. woke up in fear of thinking what will be wrong today. eventhough i've studied all night long. i brought home my works. i slept late at night. but the fear kills my confidence.

19th june 2009
i didn't know what went wrong that day. she scolded me all day long. my legs started to cramp. eventho i just wore flat slipper bought after the broken heels. i went home in frustrating. i cried. my head started spinning how to fight on my own right. i started to hate her.

the weekends, i consulted Mama & Ayah. they supported me. they motivated me. but it wasn't really help. i just listened and took note. to apply, kinda difficult for me. such an impossible.

the sunday, i had to attend a meeting with staffs at LB's boutique in Lot10. i work on sunday for free?? shit! i know i hate this. i know... this won't stay longer. i knew there'll a dark future between me and this crazy LB.

22nd june 2009
monday fever never appear in me while working with this LB. the morning went so good. she almost changed my decision to 50-50. again, a crazy woman will always remain her craziness with madness and loudness. after lunch, she was chased by bankers. and she got mad. started to yell here and there, this and that.

aku tatau hantu apa yang dah rasuk aku. tapi sebab terlampau geram dan sakit hati, air mata aku berjuraian keluar lepas LB marah tak semena-mena. aku pekik balik kat dia. dia pekik, aku pekiklagi. dia macam nak pelempang aku, aku back off sambil signal... do not try that on me or u'll regret it. apa punya bos, boleh dia kata... u don't need to get familiar with anything... u just have to do what i want u to do. bloody hell! fail mana pun aku tak ingat lagi... dengan nak ikut style kerja ko lagi... dengan asyik nak kena tadah telinga sepanjang hari dalam bilek kau... dan ko kata aku tak payah nak get familiar utk buat keje2 kau tu??? kepala bu*o anda!!!!

all the architects were gathered next door. other officers, minggling around. i knew, everyone must have heard the quarrel. wow... i trapped my own self. fighting my own pay LB. bullshitting! end of the day, she asked me to work or not... my answer was YES. why it was YES, my tongue said so. did my heart feel so? did my brain think so? NO! NOT AT ALL.

23rd june 2009
i reached office earlier. drafting my resignation letter. printed it out, signed. changed some dates and put on LB's desk. she came in. calling me. her first response...

are you giving up young lady? YES. are you? i am not. YES, i can;t stand to work for you anymore.

aku tatau apa gila aku jawab macam tu. tapi pagi tu bukan satu pagi yang baik. aku ingatkan aku resign baik-baik, dia terima laa elok-elok. rupanya dia lagi bakar aku.

for what reason are you giving up? i lost my respect to my own boss, i lost my respect in you. hey, i don;t need your respect. i never respect anyone in this world. shit!

i hated when you keep on shouting at me all day long. i have no time to prove my ability to you. i do? YES, almost all the time. oh, that's my style. i love military style. people shouting at other people, giving orders.... i hate military style. but that's my style and you ahve to... i have people shouting at me. you can order me in god ways. but military style, survive! i don't. otherwise, i better serve the military.

kepala hotak betulla pompuan ni. bila aku sticked to my decision, dia hangin.

at 11a.m. i was called to handover all my duties and responsibilities. she marked there on my letter... date to confirm? she asked me to play role as CLERK with an EXECUTIVE pay till my last day. lunch to after, i had to berpanas, berpeluh ketiak settling her outstanding debts with EPF again, her BMW car loan... (tunggu masa kena tarik je kalau lambat), the utilities.... i reached office back about 3+. i cleaned up my desk. i cleared all my pending duties. i spoke to everyone whom i needed answers from them. the meeting i supposed to attend, LB attended herself. good for you. i replied her letter... CONFIRMATION OF RESIGNATION >>> IMMEDIATELY that day. i clocked out at 5p.m. with all my stuffs.

and from that moment, i am officially has nothing to do with that crazy LB. except for... am still counting days to claim for my salary.

don't play-play with me yeah old lady. i know ur what's company status is. you don't pay me... i go to LAW. u hate to deal with law? u better pay me a.s.a.p. otherwise, u'll regret it forever.

.The UNPREDICTABLE Life.

2009-07-05T08:25:00.000-07:00

I never expected this will be a reality. This... my current life. I am now an UNEMPLOYED person. No job. No pay. No stress. No money. No work. No working commitment. No time limit. No this. No that. So many NOs. but somehow, too many things happened in a month. Let's me share my STORIES.

1st week of June 2009
I enjoyed my days lepaking at home. Pretending liked was still working. Terpaksa kerana menjaga hati parents ku. Mid of week, I went to Cherating as backpacker with Ajeng. Only two of us. The journey was great. I'll share in my next entry. The weekend went as usual. Am started to find new job through internet and newspapers.

2nd week of June 2009
I was called for an interview. Was so excited that I'd spent whole night to get myself well prepared. It was an ID firm in Ipoh Road, close by PWTC. I have the strong feeling that I'll hit the vacancy. And there I was... I was called to report duty on the Friday, 12th. To vacant the position of Personal Assistant to Company Director. Wow! 1st interview, and I got it! Babe credited me as so lucky :) And proudly, I told Mama & Ayah about this. End of weekend, I skipped class for attending Biante's wedding in Perak. Luckily I'd done the shopping before I started to work. Was wearing cream kebaya with brownish batik. Felt sooooo slim now comparatively to my days in Kajang, while working with Bie & the team.

3rd week of June 2009
I woke up before 6a.m. We, me, Babe & the sister in-law, left house almost 7. The journey to office was longer. I reached there early, had my breakfast ALONE. Then I started to work. My second day, the Boss wasn't around. but I needed to go to EPF office to make the payment. Gotch! Feel liked crying of hot! The next day then, my BLACK DIARY started. I'll go details in the next entry, again. The week went so damn slow. Felt like dying in hell! Damn it.The weekend, Babe spent a night at my hometown. The Sunday, I was called to supervise some staffs' works in lot 10. God bless me... I WORKED ON SUNDAY man!!!

4th week of June 2009
I can't stand it anymore. She trained me well. I SHOUTED back at her. Yelling liked she loves to do. She got mad. I was so damn frustrated. I hate myself when I started to yell at my Boss. That wasn't a good sign. Before clocked out, she said a phrase, Do you want to work? My answer was YES that evening. I went home, keeping my head puzzled with all the evening events. Her says, my shouts... Oh I knew this isn't a good sign. I'll stay as longer as I could, as promised to parents. The next day came in frame. I was so early. I made up my mind, printing out a letter of resignation. Let's give the date to end of this week. Know what happen??? U'll never believe what I've been through! NEVER! And rest of the month... I am UNEMPLOYED again. My lucky star didn't really shine.

Early week of July 2009
I've to settle debts with MARA. They're giving out warning letters to all their debtors. Where to find RM4K in a week?? Bloody hell! Worst decision ever, 'someone' told me to keep silent and let myself being BLACKLISTED. WTF! Nonsense! I obejected. I found a way, it might kill me, but that's the only survival way. Credit to my ex Boss whom allowed me to use the company facilities. Now I know how kind hearted you are, Boss.

And here I am, playing with the PC and internet to fullfill my time. Am drafting a home based job for myself. Hopefully it'll work.

Till this moment, I realized how much I love people surrounded me. Thank u everyone. To Sayang... you're the best BF I've ever had in my life.

'THE UNEMPLOYED LADY'

f r e e d o m ? o r w h a t ?

2009-05-31T01:34:00.000-07:00

finally the time has came. i am officially unemployed starting from the day of 29th may 2009 onwards until....? until i am recruited by another organization and started a new working life AGAIN. the last friday, i was informed to compulsory present at the office. and it was my farewell party. we were out for lunch at The Ship Bukit Bintang. all the girls were of course, dressing up especially me, the main character and my best 'girl' assistant ever, Eta. we went by 3 cars, me of course by the brand new vios driven by Steve. 4 of us, me & Eta, Steve & Nick. We had a great lunch that day. I was served a special, most expensive meal; Neptune Taurus xxx (don't remember the long name) It was sizzling beef steak served with tiger prawns and chips. Nyummmi~~~~~~~~ I tought of escaping the rest hours by hanging out in BB. Unfortunately, there were some pending works in the office. I taught Cherri few little things and finishing my last hours in ofice by lepaking in 'manager's room' with other 'senior' mates.
It's almost 6.30 in the evening. And my hours will be ended here, so much soon. Penny presented my a special gift from Body Shop. Thank you so much ma'am. You're such a great-great lady boss I've ever had. She wanted me to promise her that I'll return in 3 months time after her delivery day. I just laughed. It wasn't a guaranteed promises... it ws just purposesly meant to convince both sides. Me and her. After a big hug with Penny, followed by 'gonna miss u' hugs with the boys - exclude the gg satu please!!! It was quite 'sad' but I believe, this is the freedom I've been wanted since long months ago...

I am now unemployed. Being free with only 'a little money' in hand to survive. I've planned to go to Cherating with Ajeng. Most probably, we will be there in Thursday since already bought the tickets. But today, am with Mama.... Since Ayah is going out-station till tonite. It's very hard for me to hide the real facts. So far, I've done great caused I managed to escape all the queries with no doubts! So far......... Kak Muzam and Nana were just kept silent, nothing to complaint & nothing to comment. Thank you to both of them... also to Awez, Asala & Ampa whom keep this from the parents' knowledge.

Ayah called. Tok Minah in Kedah is sicker. She can;t even wake up to pray. Mama & Ayah been deciding to go back to Kedah tomorrow morning. I have to follow them... Maksu Pah is warded for her 2nd operation in HUKM next morning. So am the only 'grandchild in KL' whom kinda free to visit her. Before anything worst happen, I must visit her... MUST! I told Mama that I will be joining them with great, strong reasons... I have 2 'new assistants' in the office who can cover me. PERFECTLY agreed by Mama. Marilah berdoa yang aku takkan kantoi sampai aku bersedia memberitahu mereka hal sebenar. Lagipun aku memang bebetul free... then aku nak gi holiday. Kalaulah nak jadik cerita 'sesuatu' berlaku masa aku on holidays.... penyesalan kan ? Aku tak nak menyesal sampai jadik macam citer-citer dalam TV. Aku disayang Atok. So tak salah pun kalau aku keja skalipun, aku tetap jugak balik untuk tengok dia yang makin sakit kuat. Aku tak nak terasa kehilangan nenek terakhir dalam hidup aku dengan sebuah penyesalan yang tak berkesudahan... Dan NEKAD, I will be going to Kedah with Mama & Ayah. Either I have to come back to KL by bus, alone or how... that'll be in the next chapter after arriving there and looking at her conditions.

Okaylah.. Malaysia ni panas sangat. Am blogging on Ayah's PC with reasons, I've returned the ofice lappie due to safety reasons :p Till we meet again... that I believe will be looooooonnnngggg. I'll be sharing some pics on my farewell party on FB. Or maybe those 'censored' pics will be posted somewhere 'else'.

Freedom or free with boredom ?

Elo Elo 1 2 3 4

2009-05-26T02:04:00.000-07:00

Lama dah tak singgah untuk berkongsi rasa. Bukan apa, masa tak begitu membenarkan aku mengisinya dengan menulis di blog. Yang mampu aku buat pun, surfing mencari kerja. Huahuahua. (Sekarang ni, aku kena banyak menulis dalam Bahasa Melayu... atas sebab-sebab tertentu) Hanya tinggal beberapa hari je lagi aku akan bekerja ngan company yang banyak memberi aku kemudahan dari segi financial ni. Boss pun dah tak banyak cakap dengan aku sesejak aku clarify status resignation aku dengan dia dan Penny. Ofismet pun dah terkejar-kejar nak belajar ngan aku. Tapi, ada sesuatu yang agak bermain-main dalam fikiran aku. 'Perjanjian tak rasmi aku dengan Penny yang disaksikan Eta'. Hurms.....

Tinggal 1,2,3 hari je lagi untuk aku mengabiskan masa menjadi staff UMS. Time ni, aku tau banyak kerja. Banyak yang dalam planning Boss or Director aku. Tapi nak buat macam mana... aku pilih untuk berundur. Dan aku berpegang jugak pada janji aku dengan Penny. Dan T&C nya tetap kekal begitu, selamanya sampai habis tempoh perjanjian. Aku berharap aku dapat kerja yang lebih baik, kalau tak gaji besar pun, atleast boleh menampung kehidupan aku dan mendapat KEBERKATAN pun dah cukup bagus.

For the time being, aku banyak planning to work from home. Lebih kepada kerja-kerja yang menggunakan kepakaran A&D aku... experiences aku dan kemampuan aku yang tak perlu aku carik-carik lagi. Sesuatu yang lebih mengikut masa aku daripada ditetapkan orang. Pucuk pangkalnya, aku pilih untuk bekerja sendiri. Satu risiko yang besarkan? Tanpa ada sokongan di belakang, dan dengan situasi menyorok daripada pengetahuan Mama & Ayah.... aku terpaksa berdikari. Ye ke aku takde sokongan? Ada... banyak dan ramai. Semua orang, ahli keluarga yang tau, kawan-kawan pun sokong aku. So, kenapa tidak?

Last week aku tulis blog dan berharap Sara, my lil good sister to console me. Thank lil sist. U really did a good job. Lepas tu, akak aku pulak ala-ala macam down sesangat. Hurms, perempuan dan masalah. Tapi masing-masing kami bergantung harap sesama sendiri. Thanks everyone :) Love you all~!

Okaylah. Boss dah balik opis. Aku nak berpura-pura buat kerja. Sekian terima kasih.

nak tulis sesuatu

2009-05-18T02:51:00.001-07:00

aku nak menulis sesuatu. sesuatu yang tak terluah dari mulut. hanya bermain-main di hati. aku tak tau apa yang aku rasakan ni sebenarnya "apa". aku jadi tak pasati dengan keputusan aku. keputusan? keputusan untuk berhenti.. macam mana tak pasti pun, aku tekad, dan aku nekad. biarlah, biar aku ambil risiko ne sekarang, dan bukan esok lusa atau kemudian hari nanti. aku dah tak sanggup nak bermain dengan api lagi. memang satu masa dulu, aku kata aku sanggup. tapi bila masa makin hampir, makin dekat... aku jadi takut. aku dah penat nak layan sakit hati, kecewa, menangis. semua tu.. SUCK! aku harap ada orang yang boleh dengar, faham dan menangis dengan aku. aku harap "dia" ada dengan aku, setidak-tidaknya untuk dengar cerita aku. tapi dia... aku rasa dia makin jauh. tambah lagi dengan semua yang terjadi. nak menangis, dah tak ada air mata nak ditangiskan. nak meratap, dah takde hala aku nak beratapan. cinta aku? sayang aku? aku pun tatau perlu atau tidak aku teruskan semua perasaan tu pada dia. kadang-kadang aku rasa dia memain je dengan perasaan aku. kadang-kadang aku rasa dia cuma sayang aku demi kepentingan peribadi. kenapa jalan cerita cinta aku, mesti macam ni? kenapa? WHY WHY WHY?????

aku harap aku ada sara untuk bercerita, dan dia ada untuk tenangkan aku dengan ingatkan aku padaNYA. aku harap, aku boleh bercerita dengan mama. tapi aku tak ada kekuatan untuk itu. aku harap babe faham cerita aku... tapi apalah sangat yang boleh dia buat melainkan menjadi pendengar setia aku, menghiburkan aku, menasihati aku dan melayan perasaan aku hampir setiap malam. dia dah cukup baik untuk semua itu. hati aku mungkin merindu. tapi aku tak mampu nak luahkan. aku mungkin menunggu bicara sesuatu dari dia. tapi, aku tak mau dengar apa-apa pun dari dia. aku mintak dunia dengar kata-kata aku. tapi, siapalah aku untuk perdengarkan kepada dunia? aku yang cari sebab. aku yang cari masalah. pandai-pandailah aku selesaikan. masalah hati ni... memang berat kalau difikirkan. hish.

aku nak menangis.

aku nak menjerit.

aku nak lari dari dia. dari cinta dia. dari penderitaan "cinta" ini.

please help me.

" . "

2009-05-17T23:02:00.000-07:00

i feel like ~!@#$%^&*()_+|+_)(*&^%$#@!~
i have alot to share. i have alot to write. i have alot in mind.
but i cannot say to share. i do not know what to write.
and all these things keep playing, and puzzling, and messing my head.

i hate to say that i love him. what more to say, i have hated him.
i hate to say i do not believe in him. because if people ask me, than i do.
but i would prefer to say...
i am finding a FULLSTOP in this relationship.

i hate to say i do not bother not having a job.
because all i have been thinking about is finding a job.
i hate to say that i need money. but the fact is, i really do.

i almost caught to a dead end.

my head is banging onto the wall, again and again.
am liked shooting the m16 to myself over and over again.
i hate to say that;

i hate myself for the meantime.

F U * K !

s h o r t a g e

2009-05-12T23:57:00.000-07:00

i don't really have many to share. but i still have some things to share.

why SHORTAGE?

idea. energy. hard work. enjoyment. love. attention. money.

but the most...

i am poorly in a shortage of IMAN, AKAL & LOGIKA.

thanks to a friend who reminded me by writing in words.... easier to be understood.
thanks to another friend who supported the top friend's view in this matter.

sayang asked me a favor last night, "please keep him in touch at all time, in whatever am i doing afterward."

i asked myself, and asked for eta's opinion. maybe he.. and she was right.

"am running away from sayang."

maybe it was not really putting him aside... i am just trying to find my own self BACK, again. avoiding the sins between us. making up a HEALTHY relationship. i wish i could. with some prayers from friends and family,

I do BELIEVE i could! I do! I do!

c o u n t i n g d a y s

2009-05-12T02:50:00.000-07:00

am right away counting days. every single second is liked a very long year to go thru. hati aku memang dah takde nak keje kat sini lagi. sibbaik la takde cuti, so aku terpaksa gakla menghabiskan tempoh 1 month notice aku tu. nak buat keje? time bos ade jelah aku bermuka-muka.

ee punyalah malasnya aku. nak taip pun aku malas.

kepala otak aku sarat berfikir ne. apa aku nak buat lepas resignation. teringat pulak conversation dgn boss n manager aku semalam. sampai ke pukul 7.30 baru dia lepas aku balik. tu pun sbb aku asyik-asyik jeling jam. boss kate, dia frust gila aku nak berenti. macam sia-sia dia kehilangan sorang lagi orang yang dia dah trained abis-abis. aku paham perasaan kecewa dia tu. tapi... sampai bila aku nak pikir dia je... dan tak berfikir untuk aku. kalau kali ni keputusan aku tak tekad... cemane aku nak kejar dream world aku. partly memang aku menyampah ngan perangai boss yang sesejak kebelakangan ni macam ci**i! herdik sana, herdik sini. hish aku paling pantang manusia suka herdik orang sampai jadi hobi. tapi... aku pun banyak lagi alasan lain. seperti....

....seperti tak sanggup tengok drama sayang depan mata aku.....

tapi semalam, bukan 2 alasan tu yang aku cakap. aku kata, aku nak find myself in my own world. doing what i love, and enjoy more. aku terang-terang je cakap, aku keje sini pun sebab director tu brother in-law aku. aku bertahan pun sebab aku kesian kat semua pihak. tapi nampak gayanya, aku kena kesian kat diri aku la lepas ni. bakal menjadi penanam anggur masa terhormat di Malaysia. harap-harap tak lama. cuak jugak memikirkan komitmen aku. glups~

pagi semalam aku gado ngan sayang. pastu tengah hari, aku maapkan dia. pastu malam semalam aku bertekak lagi ngan sayang. pagi tadi berbaik. tiba petang............. SHIT! drama yang tak sanggup aku nak tengok. every time aku berbaik je.. bagi muka je.. mesti 'sesuatu' itu berlaku. bukan aku tak boleh tahan.... tapi aku menyampah la. menyampah dengan diri aku. kalau orang tanya aku.. pasal apa aku tunggu dia? aku memang takde jawapan sahih. yang aku tau... aku akan jawab..

sebab dia soh aku tunggu dia. FAKAP!

dah la... malas nak pikir-pikir. aku nak berehat-rehat menanti pulang. wahahahahahaha padahal dari lepas lunch aku ngular je keje.

apa pun........... am counting the days!

. h a r s h .

2009-05-06T00:54:00.000-07:00

jenuh aku arine. sepanjang hari aku sebok memikirkan tentang PELETAKAN JAWATAN aku sebagai ADMINE XEC kat opis tu. keje admin pun nak risau-risau. aku pertimbang banyak benda... especially dari segi $$$. tapi aku tekad jelah. this isn't really money matters... this is all about finding myself in my own ways. aku pernah cuba sekali, tapi aku ada back-up FAMA masa tu. so aku still hidup dan menggemok. kita try kali ni... kotaku boleh kurus dan slim dan menjadi lebih MANUSIA ke kan?!

aku shared decision aku with kekkam, as the first person. then with the rest, except for abang. abang, is in different case. i seeked for her advice. i know she supports me in any decision i make. quoting her common phrase to me: i've seen you in many potential ways to be well developed. go and find yourself outside! i believe you will be greatly successful. dan sekarang, aku nak ikut cakap dia. bila dia soh aku pikir panjang, penyelesaian aku cuma sujud memohon dariNya. dan aku tak nampak apa-apa halangan pun untuk aku lepaskan kerja aku sekarang. even, am liked relief everything. aku dah tender resign, officially. tapi sebab aku malas nak cakap-cakap, aku letak je surat tu atas meja boss. bila dia balik... eta lah yang jadi pelapor aku. reaksi dia.. berapa kali dia baca, macammana rupa dia? aku cuma intai-intai dari sebalik monitor. sumpah cuak jugak aku time tu.

bila terpandang muka eta, aku terasa kesian. pandang muka penny, aku terasa bersalah. pandang sayang... aku rasa itu je pemberat aku nak tinggalkan company. untuk lain-lain reason, hanyalah bila terkenangkan slip gaji aku... ditambah dengan hutang-piutang aku... dan bla bla bla. tapi ngak apa-apalah. bila lagi mau buka langkah kalau asik nak bertangguh. setiap apa yang kita buat, mesti ada risiko. kalau aku terus stay, risiko aku adalah M16 yang sentiasa berada tepat dituju ke kepala aku setiap hari bekerja. dan bunyi meriam yang tak berhenti-henti meletup memusnahkan tahi telinga aku... risiko bila berhenti, $$$ dan cabaran berapa lama aku kena menanam anggur.

tapi, tak habis berdebar aku tunggu 'panggilan maharaja'... aku digesa dengan satu lagi 'panggilan hangat'. manager aku called dr klia. aku missed out satu important documents untuk bawak pekerja myanmar yang baru sampai tu keluar. member dah sikit punya bengang... so sebab aku tau aku salah.. walaupun ni kerja eta, tapi aku yang double check dan aku yang tak bebetul check... aku offer diri untuk hantar smpi klia. sambil-sambil boleh lari dari rumah dan....... jumpa kekasih hati terchenta aku yang tengah 'panas' tu. aku sok-sek ngan penny, dan cepat-cepat cabut. rushing kejar train. kena pulak, hp call barred. belom release, tapi dah sempat buat payments. aku cepat-cepat lari dengan........ jacket Guess yang tebal, rambut yang ntah haper-haper mcm pompuan gila... dan HIGH HILLS! perfecto! belom pun sampai lrt station, manager aku (waktu ni dia memang cuma seorang manager kerana....) called. dan dia pun mula memaki seranah aku berbakul-bakul. dia kata aku tak pandai buat keje, tak boleh pakai... suka buat kesalahan ulang-ulang... menyusahkan sebab dia kena tunggu lama. waktu tu.... Tuhan je yang paham hati aku. dahlah period, over sensitip. air mata aku bergenang. aku diamkan aja dan aku teruskan perjalanan. dia hang up phone dengan keadaan masih BERAPI!

baru sampai chan sow lin, dia dah call lagi. tapi kali ni, guna phone line 'special'. mungkin ada usaha nak pujuk.. tapi hati aku dah tersayat-sayat macam daging salai dah pun. aku lagi banyak diam. cuma tinggi sikit suara bila dia pepandai nak aturkan aku naek ape ke mana, ke mana. sekarang ni, i yang nak hantar document tu, dan i jugak yang naek tren. u tunggu je. aku plak jadi emosional tak pepasal. kalau boleh time tu aku nak je panggil superman ke, ultraman ke, soh bawa ku terbanggggg (macam lagu). tapi, tu semua cuma dongengan kepala aku je. tepat-tepat je turun kat bdr tasik selatan, aku ngam-ngam terlepas satu klia transit. maksudnya, aku akan delayed perjalanan itu... 30minit lagi. glups... memanglah aku akan terus dimaki. phone still kena barred. aku terus rush to counter, and beli ticket. RM26.50 to klia. shit! aku dahlah sengkek tahap cipan merangkak!!!! selang 2, 3 minit aku jeling jam. terasa sangat lambat masa berlalu. sibbaik, tetiba phone line aku dah okay. aku pun terus call Babe. of course Babe will be the first person... sebab dia je yang akan layan prasaan tak tentu arah aku time-time macam tu. sebenarnye babe, i was crying while talking to u. air mata i ne jatuh gaklah 2,3,4 titis... tapi malas nak dilayankan. perasaan geram tu mengatasi segalanya.

kot ye pun dia marah, sampai hati dia maki aku macam tu sekali. dengan suara kuat... dia tau aku tak boleh kena tengking-tengking macam tu. kalau aku tak sayang dia... dan aku tanak pun layan masalah dia tu.. boleh je. tapi sebab aku pikir.. oh bolehlah aku dating ngan dia kat klia. sebab tulah, aku offer diri pergi. elok je masuk erl, dia call lagi. tanya kat mana, berapa lama lagi nak sampai. aku tatau nak cakap. akak counter tu kata 30minit. eta kata 15 minit. to play safe, aku cakap tatau. aku pun takde mood nak cakap bebanyak ngan dia. dahlah aku comot macam haper. sibbaik air-cond erl tu... sunguh nyaman! tak sia-sia bayar mahal. gatal jari aku, aku sms dia. sorry, i memang tak guna. tak boleh pakai. tak pandai buat kerja. sebab tulah i berenti kerja. dan bla bla bla. dia called lagi. aku angkat tapi ye tak ye je jawab. aku takut dia marah aku lagi. so, aku pilih untuk diam lagi.

dah lepas salak tinggi, one more station to go. aku pandang muka aku kat cermin. COMOT NYER!!!! sikat tak bawak pulak. aku sisir rambut ngan jari, ikat elok-elok. tepek siket loose powder kasik tak minyak-minyak sangat. terasa dull, i put on lipstick. see, betapa aku menjaga personaliti aku spy dia sentiasa tengok aku yang cantik.... walaupun takdelah cantik manapun saya. sampai je, aku rushed naik 3rd floor. sambil cakap tepon ngan Babe, sebab nak ilangkan nervous. jengah kiri, jengah kanan, selit cecelah orang.. finally aku nampak gak dia. damn! u're so cute! dengan shirt yang dh tug-out, beg yang dibawak sling, sambil pegang phone and jengah-jengah gak cari aku... gotch! comelnya dia!!! dia terus terpa kat aku. sempat jugak membebel, aku tak angkat muka pun. sudahlah.. senyumlah sayang. aku malas nak layankan, aku cakap aku nak balik naik tren. tunggu i. aku geleng. tunggu i, jangan balik sendiri. aku geleng dan nak pusing badan. dia grab tangan aku. i kata tunggu i. tunggu dekat sana. jangan pergi mana-mana. tunggu i call u. aku telan air liur, terus angguk bila dia naikkan suara. tapi i nak makan... dia tunjuk arah Burger King and went away. tak sampai ati pulak aku nak makan, sebab aku tau dia pun mesti tak makan.

haa... inilah kelemahan aku. aku akan ikut jugak cakap orang yang aku sayang... mungkin atas dasar takut yang datangd ari rasa hormat. aku pusing-pusing arrival area tu. from shop to shop. last-last singgah beli air dan chocolate bar. makan-makan sambil surfing guna HTC Touch kesayangan aku tu. baru aku nak jeling-jeling mamat keje KLIA tu.. dia dah called. mana u? jom balik. dalam 'van pekerja' itu, tak banyak aku berkata-kata. aku lagi banyak diam, dan memasamkan muka. bukana ku tanak senyum.... tapi macam.... macam..... eeeeeee! haa macam tu laa prasaan aku. macam.... eeeeeieiiiiiieieieieieieieieiieieieiei!!!! tetap, aku offer dia air, bagi dia choc. tanya dia amkan tak.. n soklan-soklan berupa soklan caring about him. har har har. kelemahan aku yang menjadikan lelaki lemah kat aku jugak kot. ikut trick mama.

sampai maluri, aku uturn kat jusco. bos ade kat ofis, so aku malas nak sua muka. penat jenjalan, dia pun called. soh aku naek gak ofis tunggu dia abiskan keje. kali ni, aku akui yang aku cair gak ngan dia. last-last aku gelak jugak... lepas dipujuk-pujuk. afterwards, lepas tunggu agen lah.. apelah... kitorang pun balik. aku ajak dia makan, sekejap je. pastu dia nak hantar aku balik rumah. dalam pjalanan, aku pun tak banyak cakap. bezanya, kali ni sebab aku dah letih dan mengantuk. so aku biar dia bebel sorang-sorang sambil baring atas pangku dia. menyusahkan orang nak driving je... kot ye pun nak mengada-ngada. alah bukan selalu.... dia banyak cakap pasal hati. pasal 'cerita kami'. dan aku macam biasa... akan terus menaruh harapan yang tinggi kepada cerita-cerita dia tu.

sampai rumah, dia bagi aku sweet good night kiss kat pipi satu, kat dahi satu. aku cuma sempat pesan.... sayang, esok u amek gambar hensem-hensem okay. dan esok... BF aku, merangkap kekasih hati aku.. chenta aku, buah hati pengarang jantung aku... akan ade photography session bersempena dengan upcoming wedding nya. huwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa dapatkah kalian fahami perasaan aku ketika aku menulis blog ini????? aku tengah menghitung masa duduk di ofis tanpa dia.... sedihnya!

persoalan dari 'cerpen kisah benar' aku kali ini......

adakah aku betul-betul cinta dia? sanggup ke aku tunggu dia? bertahankah aku nak terus dibayangi cerita cinta 3 segi ni????

< making up decision >

2009-05-04T21:29:00.000-07:00

another big day in my life. am making a decision to gamble. yesterday, Boss didn't say a word to me since was back to work. he must be so mad since i was on leave for days last week. but what to do?? i can't even stand the coldness... how should i pretend i could? men never understand the suffer! late in the evening, iw as questioned by steve regarding my leave and medical claiming. i know this gonna be an issue! he never believe that i was only claimed for rm40 since working here on my medical cost. and this time, i double claim the cost... actually it wasn;t my purposes. i just attached the bills, as an approved that i was really sick. but when it came out like a big issue... i started to felt restless.

he's finding points! recently, he kept on finger-pointing at me. all i did was wrong. all i said were not to be believed. i just know to ulat-ulat. i don't do work with my heart. i 'kept' his work pending. further more... the list goes...........

manager said, boss told him once "i don't actually need you people. if i have to work on my own, all alone... the business still be good." okay! u said so. now, am writing out my resignation letter. mama doesn't have any idea about this. i only told kak muzam. she kept on consoling me, to reconsider. i've been thinking too long, i guess. since the moment i first tendered my resignation, back in October 2008. already 6 months away!!! i've stayed longer than promises. and he got the manpower, whom already well-trained. only need a lil more intensive practises will serve them better in performances. apa aku tulis...? malas nak edit.

so, am printing the letter. i am already 79% to finalization. this time, i know i'll be gamble in a big amount. but before things get worst, and my wound goes deeper... i better back-off. rite???

Recovery

2009-05-02T16:15:00.001-07:00

Alhamdullillah... demam aku dah pun kebah. Cuma bengkak tonsil aku, still put me in miserable everytime I try to eat or drink something. Rasa macam nak aje aku bawak keluar tekak ngan esofagus ne letak tepi. Syukurlah, baru sikit nikmat yang Tuhan tarik, dah macam-macam bebelnya. Aku yang selalu tak beringat ni, dah berbulan-bulan terlupa Amar Makruf Nahi Mungkar, baru sekarang Tuhan turunkan bala. Tu pun, sekadar satu peringatan kecil. Astagfirullah....

Bagus jugak. Dah lama aku tak rasa rehat yang betul-betul berehat. 2 hari bersadai kat katil sebab flat makan ubat. Bila aku dah rasa fresh siket, aku mula mandi macam biasa, takdelah control-control lagi. Tambah pulak, rumah Mama ni ada water heater pump. So, takde masalah untuk aku nak mandi heated water berapa banyak pun. Btw, thanks to Babe sebab paksa aku mandi air panas jugak masa demam tu hari.

Sebenarnya, aku nak citer pasal ketenangan hati aku. Sejak balik rumah, syukur lagi aku tak pernah tinggalkan solat 5 waktu seharian. Bonus lagi, bila dapat berjemaah dengan Mama. Bonus lagi, dapat dengan tazkirah Ayah pasal citer-citer hadith & Rasulullah s.a.w. Aku tak tau, tapi kepala aku terasa ringan. Masa aku terasa lancar. Semuanya tenang, indah dalam hidup aku. Semuanya serba selesa. Sesungguhnya, itu mukjizat Allah swt. Terang-terang aku cakap, memang aku selalu lalai dalam menunaikan kewajipan aku kepadanya. Time doa, time susah pandai pulak aku carik Dia. Menangis-nangis, merayu-rayu. Kalaulah itu antara aku dengan manusia, mesti aku dah kena sumpah, terajang dah. Namun Dia, Maha Pengampun.

Sudahlah. Dah terlalu tua untuk aku terus berfoya-foya dalam hidup. Ya, aku tau syaitan yang harus aku singkirkan dulu dalam terus mempengaruhi hidup aku. Cuma kadang-kadang, aku tak kuatlah bila berjauhan dari famili ni. But I have to stick. Manalah nak tau, rupanya ini cuma sisa-sisa kehidupan aku atas dunia yang fana ni, dan aku terus-terusan membiarkan hidup aku bergelumang dengan dosa. Bak kata Babe, "Jangan pengaruh aku, aku dalam Solehah mode sekarang." Orait Babe. We'll both, be! Aku selalu nak pelawa Babe solat jemaah, tapi konfiden dalam diri tu, kuranglah. Maybe sometime later kot kan. Tapi paling-paling aku nak ajak bersujud dalam rumah aku tu, is the Dugong Alive! She's pregnant man! Dan aku belum pernah nampak dia solat, apetah lagi untuk pegang Quran dan mengaji. Tak sudah dengan tedo, TV, majalah. Astagfirullah.... sedih pun sedih. Tapi aku nak tegur pun tak layak. Terasa macam nak mintak je doa-doa ke, belikan buku doa untuk kandungan ke bagi kat dia. Tak kesian ke kat baby dalam perut tu? Aku pulak yang terasa rugi.

Sorang lagi, Hawa. Ini lagi sayang. Akak, kalau akak baca posting saya ni, saya nak ajak akak 'pulang'. KIta jalan sama-sama. Saya tak pandai, Ieda pun tak pandai. Kita jalanlah seiring, ye Kak? Dah lama saya tak nampak akak sujud pada Allah swt. Dah jauh kita pergi kak. Dah masanya patah balik. Akak jangan malu, jangan segan. Sama macam kita kongsi 'cerita-cerita' kita yang lain... macam tu jugaklah kita akan kongsi cerita kita. Jom kak... kita solat jemaah sama nak tak balik keje ni? Sian Syafiq. Nenek dia tiuplah macam-macam ayat suci kat telinga, kita sebok rosakkan dia dengan bebenda yang dah rosakkan kita.

Tolonglah kami, Ya Allah. Bantulah kami, Ya Allah. Berilah kami petunjukMu agar kami akan terus bersujud menyembah kepadaMu, mengusir kejahatan dalam rohani ini. Aku perlu buktikan pada 'seseorang'. Islam itu mulia. Islam itu sejati. Islam itu suci. Aku harus tunjukkan dia apa yang baik. Apa yang dah berlaku, cuma tinggal dosa yang harus ditaubati. Itu yang pasti. Aku nak dia masuk Islam. Aku nak dia dibukakan hati untuk sama-sama bersujud denganku kepadaNya. Aku nak dia jadi ketua keluargaku, pembimbing agama keluargaku. Aku nak bina hidup dengan dia. Aku tak main-main. Tapi aku tak nak, ikatan itu terbina hanya kerana cinta dan nafsu.

Aku doakan, suatu hari nanti, cinta kami akan membina sebuah masjid yang indah dihuni sebuah jemaah keluarga yang beriman, dan beramal soleh.

Insya Allah.